Epstein’s Pre Season Thoughts


1.) Breakout performer predictions based off spring training

In case you missed it, there has been a 6 team spring training league playing every Sunday night in St Louis Park for the past couple weeks.

Big Hoss, Kardinals: I’ve known that Big Hoss can hurl the plastic ever since his Game 7 win against us in the 2017 Eagan Finals. He also threw a no-hitter in Wifflepalooza last season. His performance this spring can be added to the list of reasons why he will breakout in 2019. His pitching numbers have been good solid since his rookie season in 2017, but I believe he’ll take a giant step forward this season.

Doc, Kardinals: Doc put out an average HRL rookie season in 2018. He looked good at the plate this spring, coming up with big hits in a couple clutch moments. On the mound his stuff was improving. He threw the first no hitter in Kardinals franchise history last summer, and I think between Big Hoss and Doc, the Kardinals can compete in every game if they choose to.

Squirrel, Mariners: Squirrel turned up in Wifflepalooza last year and is sure to continue his hot streak into this season. I think it’s easy to say he’ll have a career year at the plate and his work on the mound should at least return to his rookie season form of a 3.95 ERA. 

Nightmare, Marlins: It will take some time to get used to adding “Marlins” after Nightmare’s name. He has been impressive this spring. In his first mound action his pitches were hitting the board all over the place. He has even added some new pitches to his arsenal. I think the move to the Marlins will spark Nightmare and lead him to one of his best seasons.

Jon E Manziel, Mariners: I’ve never seen Jon E pitch in my life, so I’m not really qualified to say anything but I saw him throwing some heat. Didn’t know he could pitch, maybe Hopkins already knows that, but alas this is my report.

Vlade, Braves: I had the opportunity to play on the same team with Vlade for the first time. He can actually kinda hit. I don’t know how he hit just .198 last year, but that can only go up. Perhaps Chops can teach him a new trick or two to help him return to his 2012 form.


2.) Epstein is scared…

…of the Americans. I don’t known why but this team scares me the most out of Hopkins. They’re sneaky good, always play at 100%, do the little things right, and have 2 elite arms in Jet Plane and Lulu (Bussman is rumored to be out this season, otherwise this would be 3). Dipshit has always hit well off me. Ever since a total collapse against them in a 2016 regular season game, I’ve been on edge playing them. 

…of the Reds. Any team with a guy named Palpatine is gonna strike fear in opponents. I think karma is gonna come back to bite me after bashing them for so long and proclaiming their reign dead after their first round exit last season. Hardball is back where he belongs, Seuss is Seuss, and I predict a sexy year from Handsome Mat. I would be scared to meet them in the Eagan finals. 

…of the Marlins bats. The toughest lineup in the league besides the BiscuitRays. Box has faced me more in the regular season than any other player and hits .280 off me. Catfish knows my pitches better than anyone as he had the treat of playing in the Shed Field wiffleball league before I joined HRL. Schnoogens absolutely bossed me around last year on the field AND in the office. Lastly, if Nightmare ever homers off me I will never hear the end of it.


3.) Dodger schedule highlights

5/20 vs the Marlins. Our first chance to take Nightmare deep in the Marlins uniform. 

6/3 vs the Reds. Our fiercest rivals in the league. Hardball faces his former team. Shandy faces his former team. Call me crazy but they are my favorite opponent.

6/13 vs Biscuits. World series rematch, hopefully with a game 3 vs Griz.

6/20 vs A’s. The A’s rookies from Sibley High School face off against the team who got them in the league. Though hopefully they miss this series due to a baseball state championship hangover. If they show up, I will be disappointed. 

8/15 vs Rockies (Iron Pigs???) Psych hits home run #40 on this night.


4.) Extremely boring playoff predictions

Division Winners

Wildcats: Reds

Yankee Tavern: Marlins

Lone Oak: Dodgers 

LTD: Mets

Bunny’s: Biscuits 

3 Wifflepalooza teams

  1. Rubberducks
  2. Americans
  3. Either the Boom-led Kards or Old Yeller-led Yankees. If neither of those aces show up then I’m going Whalers.


Eagan finals: Dodgers/Marlins

Hopkins finals: Biscuits/Mets

World Series: Dodgers over Biscuits in 7


5.) Award predictions

Eagan MVP: Psych

Eagan Cy Wiffle: Seuss

Eagan Slammer: Box

Eagan ROY: Tommy Buell on the A’s (sorry Kong I haven’t memorized your given nicknames yet)

Eagan Fielder: EAD

Eagan Most Improved: Cheerio

Eagan Amon: Rocket

Eagan Fun Star: Eddie Bauer


Hopkins MVP: Mippey

Hopkins Cy Wiffle: JC

Hopkins Slammer: Smallpox

Hopkins ROY: Random chihuahua

Hopkins Fielder: Squirrel 

Hopkins Most Improved: Squirrel

Hopkins Amon: Chest Hair

Hopkins Fun Star: Squirrel


See you all this week.

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