NEWS

10

By Nightmare—

Can you believe Nightmare is still coming up with rankings every week?  Can you believe anyone still reads them?  I can’t.  It’s lead me to believe most of this league has far too much time on their hands… but then again, we all play wiffleball… competitively… on a weekly basis… so… as if often the case, I figured that one out a little later than I should have. 

To commemorate the two month anniversary… and because I didn’t have a single idea worth a damn this weekend… I’m going to revisit the original pre-season rankings and see how things are shaking out this season.  For this week, the ranking is current, but the parenthetical is the pre-season rank, rather than previous weeks’ rank.)

  1. The Rays are still the #1 team in the HRL.  My player to watch, Mippey, is struggling… to hit over .500 this year.  This was a pretty easy call to make though (Pre-Season Ranking: 1)
  1. The Dodgers still can't buy beer, but are still my #2 team and looking like they'll be in the World Series again… maybe.  Fez was my player to watch, but apparently he didn’t get the memo because he isn't ever showing up to the rink.  He is hitting .364 with 4 bombs in 4 games though (including one off me), so I feel like he would be doing great if he showed up more.  (PR: 2)
  1. The Mets are still my #3 team.  And Webby's wife is a shoe-in for league MVP as she's allowed Webby to show up to most of the Mets’ games this season.  He's currently hitting .365 and has over half the Mets' bombs.  (PR: 3)
  1. The Reds are the Reds.  Hardball and Seuss are doing their thing, just as I predicted.  The “surprise” of the season looks to be Handsome Mat (just like I predicted… sort of).  He’s leading this roster of Cy Wiffle candidates in ERA and from what I saw last week, pitching very well…  For the record, I don’t acknowledge any of the Reds' offensive statistics, because week 1, that’s why.  (PR: 4)
  1. The RubberDucks were pretty much unknowns to me prior to the season… and I wish it stayed that way.  They keep tagging me or whatever in stuff and posting hilarious crap on the interwebs.  It's making me look at my social media waaay more than I usually do.  I’m old, I don’t want to have a Twitter presence… Anyways, Stache was my player to watch and I’ve decided he's actually the worst RubberDuck.  I mean, it's all relative, he's hitting .323 with 13 bombs (which is awesome), but the rest of his team is way better than him, soooo...  I guess I'm saying I wouldn't be surprised if they cut Stache at the end of the season if he doesn't get his s*** together.  (PR: 7)
  1. I showed love for The Americans before it was cool.  Maybe the only smart thing I did in my early rankings… It's no secret I like these guys, but even I'm a little surprised that they've played this well all season.  My player to watch was Dr. Dipshiz.  He is playing solidly.  (PR: 8)
  1. The Yankees are doing well in the post-Hardball era.  They're on pace to win 25+ games, just like I expected, and they're spreading starts around the team to support Old Yeller.  They've hit a rough patch recently, but I have no doubt they'll get back on track over the next few weeks.  My player to watch, Rocky, is hitting .386 with 5 bombs... because obviously he doesn't want to let me down!  (PR: 6)
  1. The Braves are playing well after a rough start.  Obviously, it took some time to adjust to Vlade being around, but now that they've grown to like tolerate him, they're doing just fine.  #ChopWatch 371 HR, 966 RBI.  (PR: 9)
  1. The Marlins may have been better off without Nightmare.  He's been pretty "meh" this year which I’m sure is a huge disappointment.  Box, on the other hand, is one of the best guys I've ever played with.  Take that however you want.  He was my player to watch, I knew he’d have a great year, but even I couldn’t have expected what he's been able to do this year.  His wiffle playlist is trash though.  And he knows it.  (PR: 5)
  1. The RoughRiders are…  I don't know what they are.  I'm starting not to care.  It’s better not to know sometimes… the league needs some unpredictability.  At this point, I'm still hoping Jagr comes back…  (PR: 12)
  1. The Kardinals…  Eddie Bauer has the second most bombs on the team…  That's how they're doing.  Tootin' was my player to watch, and…  Tootin is tootin…  He's hitting bombs like I thought he would, but more importantly, he's drinkin like a boss!  I assume, I have no idea... I haven't seen him at all this season.  (PR: 11)
  1. The Giants do have very good pitching.  And they do struggle scoring runs.  I don't recall seeing them in any JackOffs SwingOffs yet, but for their sake, I hope they get the chance.  Soon.  As for my player to watch, Dr. K, I am pretty sure now that he isn't a doctor.  Which makes me sad because now the mystery is gone.  (PR: 16)
  1. If anyone is keeping track, here is another reason Mippey is way better than me.  He called The Pirates a "weird team that could beat the Reds…"  I mocked that comment… and then the Rats got weird and went and beat the Yankees last week.  Mippey, if you're out there, would you like to take over the PowerRankings?  Cause clearly, you're better than me.  (PR: 17)
  1. The Athletics are better than I expected.  I owe the kids an apology as they are playing really well this season.  I should have had a little faith in Kong and MacGruber…  (PR: 19)
  1. The Twins have not folded, despite the addition of Al.  (PR: 10)
  1. The Mariners, aka the Seamen, aka Beah’s Boys… I didn’t do too well with these guy.  My pre-season ranking was pretty close to where I have them now, but that was completely by luck.  (PR: 15)
  1. The Iron Pigs didn’t get much attention from me in the preseason...  since then, I’ve met Jean Claude VanHamms.  We need more guys like him.  (PR: 20)
     
  2. The Whalers are like a box of chocolates, you never know which old guys you're going to get… meh, I've told worse jokes.  These old timers aren't winning as many games as I thought they would... but even more disappointing is Sanchez isn't on pace to hit 40 bombs like I expected and he fell a bomb short of #500 against the Pigs like I predicted... not cool, bro.
     
  3. I wish I could go back in time and tell pre-season-Nightmare to show the Chihuahuas some love.  I also wish I could teach him to spell ‘chihuahua’ because I get it wrong.  Every.  Single.  Time.  (PR: 21)
     
  4. The Bears are going to get to 10 wins this season.  I know it.  In other news, the Bears and Fish play tonight and I'm very bummed the Professor won't be in attendance.  (PR: 18)
     
  5. The Orioles were another team that got no love from Nightmare in the preseason.  They’ve been around a couple months now.  They’ve won some games (more than I expected), they’re playing pretty tough I think… They've still got a ways to go, but they'll definitely get more love in the rankings moving forward… probably.  (PR: 22)
     
  6. The Lugnuts were my #13 team in the preseason… think about that.  That's how useless and full of poop me and these rankings are.

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