NEWS

17

By Nightmare—

So, I almost called it quits this week.  I’m hurriedly throwing these rankings together from MSP airport where I’m sitting just a stone’s throw from the Minnesota United.  Is that our local soccer club?  I don’t know, but I was surprised (for some reason) that they fly with us common folks.  I guess major league soccer doesn’t have that private jet money yet…  Anyways, here’s Nightmare’s long distance rankings for week 9.

  1. If ever there was a week I could drop the Rays from the top spot, after losing to the Dodgers, this is the week… but I can't do it.
  1. I'm not surprised the Dodgers beat the Rays last week.  They're one of a handful of teams I think could beat them… but I'm just not sure they'd win a series against the defending champs… and for that reason they're still the number two team.
  1. The Mets are doing pretty well right now.  They've won six games in a row with Webby pitching (statistically/ERA) his worst in a decade. 
  1. The Reds have split 3 nights in a row.  Welcome to Splitsville?  I'm sure they hope to end that streak though tonight... taking advantage of a Nightmare-less Marlins squad (refusing a reschedule?  Scared much?).
  1. The Americans… Wow.  I've been talking these guys up for a couple months now, so I was pretty excited to see them play in person.  First, they begged the Marlins not to throw Nightmare against them.  Like the Reds, afraid of him (me) I guess… I was tempted to tank them in the rankings for that, but I mean, can you blame them?  Second, Dr. Dipsh**.  I don't know where they found this guy, but every team needs someone just like him.  That nickname though... can we promote him to Emperor Dipsh**?  As for the rest of the team, they're about what i remembered/expected.  Good wifflers who play very solid ball. 
  1. Do I like the RubberDucks as a team?  Or have they just won me over with their cyber shenanigans?  Usually a team losing 4 of 7 would drop in the rankings… but I can't knock these guys down too far, 3 of those losses were to the Rays. 
  1. The Yankees are dropping the hammer on teams this year, JEEZ.  More than half their wins are by double digits…I guess hardball was really holding the guys back… JK.  Lolz.  But seriously, they don’t need a Hardball-calibre pitcher to pair with Yeller if when they're scoring 10 runs per game.
  1. The Braves hit the ball.  Hard.  Which is surprising... but not really when you realize that line-up has almost 1,100 combined bombs in their careers.  Although, to be clear, when I say the Braves hit the ball hard, I mean everyone except Vlade.  #ChopWatch 375 HR, 970 RBI.
  1. The Kardinals have made it back to .500 and look to leapfrog a struggling Fish squad.  They swept Hopkins last week without Boom, which is promising.  And Groundskeeper Willie passed Bauer for second most bombs on the team, so it seems all is right with the Kards right now.
  1. The Marlins were surging… then Hopkins.  And attendance.  Attendance will define the Marlins the rest of the way.  Even with a dozen guys on the roster they're struggling to field a team it seems…  The Fish are still on Catfish watch and Rex has taken off most of this season to remodel his kitchen (apparently).  Now the boys in teal (aqau blue?) lose Nightmare for almost a month… 
  1. The RoughRiders continue to confuse.  I think from here on out I'll rank them based off of potential… or maybe roll a 20-sided die?
  1. The Athletics seem to have righted the ship… I just can't show too much love for a team that doesn't hit homeruns though.
  1. The Pirates dropped a couple in Hopkins last week, but lost to a couple very good teams.  I still like the Rats this season and expect a little resurgence coming up.
  1. Last time I mentioned how good the Giants pitching is… then they got tuned up for a couple dozen by the Ducks.  So as not to jinx them again, I'll just say they're back on track and winning again.
  1. The Twins continue to play wiffleball each week.
  1. The Mariners continue to disappoint.  That makes me sad.  But I heard some good things about Squirrel's pitching, so that is the silver lining I'm going to hold onto.
  1. The Iron Pigs are struggling lately.  They aren't scoring as much as I thought they would.
  1. How do you spell "winning streak?"  C-H-I-H-U-A-H-U-A-S.
  1. The Whalers still haven't hit HR 500. 
  1. The Orioles were doing a lot better before I started showing them any love… So, boo Orange Birds!!
  1. The Bears have a fever and the only prescription is more Professor.  Can't wait for this guy to be back at the rinks.
  1. The Lugnuts haven't allowed 20 runs to a team in a month.  That's a step in the right direction.

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