NEWS

02

By Nightmare (and the interwebs)—

For once, I had actually started my rankings ahead of time.  They were well thought out, beautifully written, and super hilarious… Then Thursday happened.  Seriously, go look at the scores, lots of weird sh** went down.  Maybe it was a fluky night.  Maybe it was the weather.  Maybe I’ve just been seeing things all wrong this season.  I don’t know, but here’s what happened to the rankings…

  1. The Mets didn’t lose in June.  No one else in the league can say that.  I don’t think.  I forgot to check as I wrote the rest of the rankings.  Sorry not sorry.
  1. Psych gave up almost as many runs to the Pups (9) as he had prior to that point all season (10).  I have no idea what happened, but I'm confident it's a fluke?  As such, the Dodgers don't move in the rankings… which is a shame, this week they coulda been #1…
  1. Let’s all take a minute to enjoy this.  Last week, the Biscuits only won one more game than the Lugnuts.  The Biscuits have the same record as the Orioles (in the past week).  Last week, the Biscuits lost more games than the Marlins and Kardinals combined.  Oh, I could do this all day.   After winning 15 games in a row, the Biscuits are now playing .500 wiffleball… That feels nice.  One more moment… because this won’t last.  My current theory is that the Rays were playing for a perfect record.  When the Dodgers ended that dream, the Biscuits decided to shift into gear ‘F.’  ‘F’ is for fun.  Or for “zero F’s given…”  Either way, I think this might make them more dangerous.  The pressure of going undefeated would bother any team, and now they just get to focus on bat flips and groping each other on camera.  Heaven help Hopkins.  Also, Mippey’s music-less videos are my new favorites (sorry Ducks, I’ll deal with you later).  Mippey should look into making videos for a living, I think he has a hidden talent…
  1. The Yankees can beat anybody.  I've been saying it a couple months now, but you all need to believe.  This is (still) one of the best hitting line ups in the league.  There’s no easy outs, and they will capitalize on mistakes.  I thought pitching might be a concern, but they’re getting just enough out of their guys, and more than enough hitting to hang with any team.
  1. I recently heard a disturbing rumor.  Jet Plane has left the Americans.  I'm not sure if it is true.  And if it is, I'm not sure why.  Maybe he saw his team win 10 games in a row without him, and figured he wasn’t needed…
  1. Braves are surging, winning 9 of 10… The only surprise (for me) is that Vlade (19 of 20 games) hasn’t held them back. 
  1. Since week 3 the Reds are 10-6… In June (and May… and April) the Reds really struggled against good pitching… so why do I keep ranking them highly?  I mean, obviously every team struggles against the good pitchers, but not every team is the Reds.  And not every team is a perennial favorite to be in the World Series… the Eagan Champs… appear in the Eagan Championship… the playoffs.  And what the heck is a 'The Keeper?'
  1. The RubberDucks had a pretty bad week last week.  That video was just not their best effort.  Low energy.  Bad music, even by their standards… I sat through two games worth of highlights and there wasn't a single dance, pose, or other celebration.  All those home runs, and no dancing?  No celebrating?  What’s the point then?  Seriously dudes, WTF.  Even your twitter was bare...  I expect all the celebrations this week.  I forget how they did on the field… Split with the Twins?
  1. Are the Marlins the oldest team in the HRL?  Quite possibly.  As such, a two week vacation was just what these guys needed.  And if the rest wasn’t enough, rumor has it the Fish are about to start getting sexier Rexier… and Catfish-ier…
  1. Are the Kardinals still in the league?  They are in the middle of a 24-day vacation from wiffleball.  That must be awful.  They had a chance to play, of course, but they did the super cool thing and rescheduled last week against the Fish, unlike some other teams… (ahem, the Reds, if you haven't been paying attention).
  1. Who beat the Yankees and the RoughRiders last week?  The Athletics?  That can't be right… but it is… I know I’ve said it before, I should stop doubting Kong and his kids… but maybe I just need to see it myself.  I mean, good for you guys, but I’m not sold yet.  It’ll probably take me getting K’d about a dozen times for me to get on board the KongBus.
  1. The Chihauhaus…

     
  2. Why do the RoughRiders stay near the middle when they just sort of win and lose randomly?  Your guess is as good as mine… Maybe my brain is stuck in the early 2010’s when H8R, H9K, and the Gothams repeatedly beat up me and whatever team I was on.
  3. Hitting a little.  Pitching a little.  The Pirates may be one of the most "solid" teams in the league.  They win games they're supposed to win, and throw in a couple surprises here and there.  Wait, is that “solid” or just predictable?  Same difference.  Hi Milton!
  1. The words I'm writing now mean nothing more than meow to an animal… They might be Giants.  I have no idea, but that popped into my head.  Which is a lie, because I thought of that last night and was just too lazy to think of anything better this morning.  (I’m proofing now and just realized half the league never heard of They Might Be Giants… I’m wasting comedy gold here).
  1. Vlade finally caught onto the bit, which means certainly everyone else in the league has too, so I'll stop ignoring the Twins.  I don't have a ton to say about them, as they're struggling lately, but in general (mostly for you newer guys and gals) this is a collection of really good dudes, and there's a ton of history in this franchise.  It sucks that a team like this gets overlooked because they don't hit a thousand homeruns or win 30 games per year, but believe me when I say the league is better with these guys in it.  If you’re ever bored, go back and look at the careers some of these guys have had… K-Mart, the winningest (and losingest) pitcher in league history.  Al, probably played on more teams than anyone.  Flow, more shirtless games than even Mippey…
  1. I've run out of ways to say I am disappointed in the Mariners.
  1. Things have been rough for the Iron Pigs lately… I don't see them getting any easier anytime soon.
  1. Serious question, what happens to the Whalers now that Sanchez hit #500? 
  1. I'm not sure that the Bears belong this low on my list, but with the disappearance of the Professor, I can't justify bumping them up at this time.  (editor’s note, I know Professor is on the DL and hope he gets back soon, don’t want to imply he pulled a Jet Plane…)
  1. This is usually where I say something nice about the team I'm about to play next so as not to get my opponents fired up… The Orioles get to play the Marlins tonight (weather permitting).
  1. The Lugnuts play the Reds next (July 8) and if another 80 runs are scored, I swear to the wiffle gods that I will lead the charge to contract… the Reds.

 

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