NEWS

22

By Nightmare—

What a long week.  So much has happened.  I feel like everyday’s been a wiffle day.  And I’m alright with that.  The All-Star game/day was pretty awesome, and I’m not just saying that as your reigning, undisputed, defending All-Star MVP… I’m saying that as someone who was previously very anti-All-Star (ask Seuss, this is true).  Kudos to everyone who organized, and big props to Bauer and everyone else who kept that sh** running on time!  That’s huge.  It was great, currently my #1 non-regular season wiffleball event.

Bonus Ranking, Top 2019 Wiffle Events:

4. Spring League

3. W4W

2. Wifflepalooza

1. All-Star Weekend

*Honorable Mention: HRL Playoffs, but seeing as my attendance is… not as guaranteed as years’ past, screw ‘em.

 

Bonus Ranking #2, Top 3 things All-Star weekend was lacking:

3. Vlade’s smoked pork belly.  I was looking forward to that stuff, man.

2. Kong (and the A’s).  You deserved to be there, you're playing well.

1. Truck (and the Bears).  Stuff isn’t the same without you guys.  Also, donuts.  But I assure you, the Bears are more than just Beer+Donuts to me.

*Except for Vlade, I’m not knocking anyone.  I understand that life gets in the way, but in a perfect world, you’d have been able to join us (and Vlade would not… I mean, I did say a perfect world, right).

 

Anyways, here is the All-Star MVP’s Week 14 Rankings:

22.  My mission, should I choose to accept it (and I do), is to find a copy of Ben Franklin's book and read it by the end of the season.  Afterwards, we'll discuss it over ice cold Hamms.  I'll do all of this whilst wearing a kilt...  Although last in my heart, the Lugnuts are quickly becoming first in my heart.  Sh**, is that too cliché?  I feel like Franklin’s going to hand me back an edited copy of my rankings and just shred my writing… dammit.  (Previous Rank: 22)

21.  The Iron Pigs dropped a couple to the Reds.  They play the Bears this evening.  That is all.  (PR: 21)

20.  The Orioles split with the A's last week?  What's more, they 2-hit (and 10-runned) them.  What in the actual hell?  Was this a revenge scenario?  Was the rink dripping with drama?  Sorry I missed it… kinda.  (PR: 21)

19.  The Bears haven't played in 9 days.  The same number of days as… Anyone?  Anyone?  Ferris Bueller missed at the time of his day off.  (PR: 19)

18.  The Giants… don't belong at #18.  But they're here.  [insert joke about Bliss Jr. not getting run support].  Has a Cy Wiffle ever played on a sub-.500 team?  Asking for a friend.  P.S. – Bliss Jr, we’re friends, right?  (PR: 18)

17.  The Mariners have lost 10 in a row.  The only good losing is the kind Squirrel is doing.  He's looking good AF!  (PR: 17)

16.  My favorite Sanchez, is an inebriated Sanchez.  I'm paraphrasing here, but at one point on All-Star night, during what I could only describe as a HR Derby Thunderdome-type situation, Sanchez looks me dead in the eyes and says, "Let me take care of this kid (Trent) and then I'll light your ass up too!"  He's never been sexier to me.  And I've seen him cartwheel.  Anyways, the Whalers [quickly check the stats and scores, nothing to see here] are 8-20.  (PR: 16)

15.  I'd have had these rankings out sooner, but I spent the majority of this morning (and this past weekend) scouring missing persons reports.  Saturday, I saw H8R with a child I can only assume he snatched from a playground somewhere…BABY BURN!  Seriously though, H8R is a dad?  And even more unbelievable (to me, who considered him my nemesis for the better part of a decade), is that he seems like a really good dad.  "This is why the RoughRiders are 8-18."  I think that’s what he said to me, kind of apologetically (but I’ve never heard H8R apologize, so I’m not really sure what that sounds like).  My dude, from the looks of things, your priorities are right on track and I couldn't be happier for you.  (PR: 15)

14.  I forget who said it, but "T-Mac fu**ing hates entering stats."  Yet he collects score sheets like they're Jessie Smollet autographs.  Anyways, my favorite nautically themed team, the Pirates, haven't played in awhile.  They get to travel to Hopkins and face the Mets/H8Rs on Thursday.  (PR: 13)

13.  First and foremost, at this very moment I'm awaiting a reply to the text I sent K-Mart last night.  WTF, bro?  I'm crossing Nov. 2 right off my calendar!  Other than my personal beef with K-Mart, the Twins haven't played (?), or at least haven't entered stats in like two weeks, so... (PR: 13)

12.  Groot's too fu**ing tall.  I don't trust anyone that can see my bald spot when I'm standing up.  Seriously, this dude is taller than Kevin Durant., Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird (true story!).  That ain't right.  It's not natural.  He's like one of those Avatar dudes.  I don't like feeling short.  At all.  The Chihuahuas... Psychological warfare.  Not cool.  (PR: 12)

11.  I missed the Athletics at the All-Star game.  They're playing really well this year, much better than we expected, blah blah blah.  I’ve said it a dozen times…  But I think it would have been cool for these young guys to come hang out and see where they'll be playing in upcoming years.  (PR: 10)

10.  Did you know the Americans have the most savage twitter presence ever?  They're scathing.  You can't survive the fire they'll rain down on you.  You don't even know.  You'll regret the day you messed with Lulu!!!!  Anyways, bro, I didn't forget.  And in case you need motivation, remember that bomba I hit off you?  The one that didn't even matter because Box and 'Pedo (that sounds bad) had already hit a couple?  #Lulu4AllStar2020.  I can’t wait to see how you flame me… on twitter.  Also, Knooty Booty is pretty cool, right?  Like, I’d let him date my sister kind of cool.  (PR: 10)

9.  The Braves…  #ChopWatch 379 HR, 980 RBI 1189 H. 

8.  All-Star recap: The Marlins represent!  Box and Nightmare combine for 6 hits, 2 HRs.  Cause old dudes are awesome!  Watch out Wifflepalooza… cause I think we're already mathematically assured to be there.

7.  It isn't a 24-day break, but the Kardinals take on the Biscuits and Twins after a 14 day hiatus.  In other news, I gave Tootin' a ride back to St. Paul after the All-Star game last weekend.  40 minutes in a car with the dude and he didn't insult me once.  It was weird.  (PR: 6)

6.  Say what you will about the Reds (I do), but there were almost as many Reds (3) at Bunny's Saturday as there were Hopkins players (4).  Not only is Hopkins the inferior city, but its players are the inferior post-gamers.  Anyways, I'm no Alvin Einstein, but I think the Reds' magic number is a HRL-wide low, 3.  And by the time you read that, Seuss has already texted me with the correct number.  (PR: 5)

5.  The RubberDucks… sigh… I’ll keep it short:  Stache’s stache, yay!  Zabka and The Statute of Liberty, boo!  Stache as a post-game wingman, hey now!  I didn’t know Huck Finn had a brother.  (PR: 6)

4.  So, the past couple week's I've been using a mathematical "formula" to take some of the subjectivity out of the rankings… I think I may need to revisit my math… but maybe not… I don't know.  Anyways, I spent way too much time with Griz and Smallpox on Saturday.  Unfortunately (for you), most of our discussions are not internet appropriate.  It’s tough to admit but in the back of my head, I've always sort of bitterly wondered why the Biscuits don't get the Reds treatment (i.e. why does everyone hate the Reds for being good great, but they don't hate the Biscuits for being better, sorry not sorry)...  I'm starting to get it now.  They're pretty fun dudes (maybe Mippey isn't, I'm becoming more and more certain I've never spoken to the guy and I think he intends to keep it that way...)  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still hate the Biscuits, but for other reasons... speaking of that reason, Griz, go check your messages from October 16, 8:58pm.  You suck!  I feel pathetic for sending that... because I actually sent it, I sent it via Facebook which just proves how old I am, and… just read it, it’s sad.  (PR: 4)

3.  In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm a Yankee.  I don't know if this was on purpose, or if it is just my imagination, but almost all my All-Star memories contain a Yankee (or 3).  Ok, I just went back and re-watched (for the tenth time at least) my All-Star MAJESTIC BLAST OFF OF LULU and there were two Yankees waiting to high five me at home plate... interesting.  Also of note, Yankees got some sick new jerseys.  Did one of them say 'Nightmare?'  Anyways, does Trent still do a ‘best jersey’ ranking?  He shouldn’t bother, Yankees for the win.  (PR: 4)

2.  Remember when Web Gem was only going to play part time because he has all the kids?  I feel like I just made that up, because he's at like, all the games.  Typically with his shirt off.  Speaking of, is it just me, or did he never used to take his shirt off this much?  On Saturday, I think he kept putting his shirt on, just so he could sexily take it off again.  Are all these kids making him stronger?  Or maybe just chasing them around all day is the epic workout he (and 99% of the league) needs.  Hmmmm…. the Mets.  (PR: 2)

1. Preface: l love like don't hate the Dodgers.  I'm too lazy to go back and check, but I'm pretty sure I've only had nice things to say about them all season… Well, all good things… Epstein and Psych, regular season: 57 HRs, 139 hits, .387 average, 126 RBI.  Epstein and Psych, All-Star game... Let's just say, there'd be a lot of zeroes... Get your sh** together!  (PR: 1)

 

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Comments

Nightmare
# Nightmare
Monday, July 22, 2019 1:39 PM
Dammit. Lugnuts are last in the ranks, not in my heart.
Kong
# Kong
Monday, July 22, 2019 3:11 PM
Entertaining, and accurate, as always. Well done.

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