Nightmare’s HRL Power Rankings – Week 2, 2020
I intended to write a lengthy piece here about my experience last night playing adult men’s softball (for the first time in about five years). Vlade, I know how you feel about softball and I know how you feel about my power rankings, especially the lengthy ones. It would have driven you nuts! And as much as I’d love to do that… it’s late in the morning, I have a pile of papers to shuffle around for work, and I need to get this to Truck so he can post it before everyone’s morning poos…
So, I’ll just stick to a couple highlights:
- Opposing teams getting into a shouting match that nearly escalated into a fistfight.
- A dude rage-quitting the team, making it as far as his car, and then returning.
- Retaliatory (intentional) hits up the middle at pitchers.
This was all during the first game of a double-header.
What’s my point?
Softball sucks. Wiffleball is a g**damn gift!!!
So, keep social distancing and follow the damn COVID rules you a$$clowns so this doesn’t get taken away from us.
The planned intro would have been more elegant, but my point was the same. Now to some jokes...
15. Rumble Ponies (0-2). In their first 10 innings of wiffleball, the Ponies were outscored 32-11… Apparently it isn't mandatory to drop 80 runs on a team full of newbies. Remember last year? F***in’ Reds. Good riddance, amiright? Anyways, the Grumble Horses got beat up by a couple good teams. I wonder why the schedule gods always throw newbies to the wolves for their first week out. Like, maybe let new teams have fun their first night in the HRL. They have the rest of their careers to regret joining the league… just a thought. Anyways, I’m not sure if there is anything to glean from this outing other than they exist. (Previous Rank: 15)
14. Bish Please (0-2) dropped a couple games to some clowns from Hopkins. Wanted: An Offense… too mean? I dunno. Schnoogs said I looked ugly last week, so I’m lashing out. Anyways, maybe this year the one joke I’ll beat into the ground is that Professor doesn’t get any run support… Just kidding, I’ll beat many, many jokes into the ground, not just one. Anyways, these Bishes haven’t changed their name to anything remotely not ridiculous, so… Happy Birthday Neut (40 years young Tuesday)! (PR: 14)
13. Pirates (0-0) haven't played a game yet. I feel like I probably have them ranked too low… but man, a lot of teams seem stacked this year. Aaaaand the swashbucklers get to start the season against the Lil’ Dogs, Ballers, Brewers, and Biscuits. That sounds awful. Just an awful way to start the season. (PR: 13).
12. Saints (1-1). Has anyone ever noticed Bliss Jr. doesn’t get run support? Did anyone else think this would change with the addition of former batting champ Vlade? Vlade is a Saint. More like an A’INT!!! Ew. Anyways, I have 15 more weeks to figure that joke out. (PR: 12)
11. Chihuahuas (1-1). I am Groot. I, am Groot. I am, Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot… I am, Groot. I am Groot, I am… Groot? I AM GROOT!!! Translation: Wow. So, the Braves lit up Air Bud like the 4th of July. Air Bud is like, their best pitcher. What the heck happened? They did win their other game… against a bunch of n00bs though… Are we going to see a repeat of the 2019 Lil’ Dogs, struggling early on with a surge at the end of the season? Groot is off to a hot start though, right!!! (PR: 11)
10 and 9. Yankees and RoughRiders (0-0 and 0-0). At this point, neither have played and therefore I won’t expend the mindpower to differentiate the two teams. Both teams have very good players who have been playing in the league a long time. They both have players who are very good hitters. Both teams also have players who can pitch well enough to beat any team in the league. Both teams are capable of winning more games than they lose this year. Neither team will be a cake team. (PR: 9 and 10).
8. Americans (1-1). I think the only thing in mid-season form for the Patriots last week was… Lulu’s mouth. Holy cow does that guy ever stop talking? The answer: no. No, he does not. Below is a screen grab of him calling his shot (for the second time of the evening). (PR: 7)
*not pictured: Lulu walking back to his seat after his second straight K.
7. [Racially Insensitive Team Name] (1-1). Now is the time for some fun with math with the [racially insensitive team name]!! In terms of career bombs, Sanchez (520) + Chops (384) = 904. That is the highest by any two teammates in the league, by FAR. The next closest duo…The Man (289) + DJ (266) = 555. HAHAHA! I think that’s hilarious. But yeah… as you said Sanchez, you guys are old. (PR: 6)
6. Kardinals (1-2). How do some teams already have 3 games? And some have none? I hate the early part of the season. Ugh. And whose idea was it to play the Vibes, Biscuits, and Brewers in one night. Sounds awful… This will probably be the only rankings of the year where I don’t shout out Tootin’, the Kards blasting majestic bombs, or the Kards drinkin’ lots of beer. Oops. I guess not. (PR: 8)
5. S’mores (1-2). Wow. I was just trying to be funny last week when I said the mascot looked like a s’more, but it is actually damn a smore! Per MiLB.com, the damn s’more, “Toasty was born on Monday, November 19th, 2018 in beautiful Colorado Springs, CO” (well, at least he’s about the right age to be on this team). His hobbies include “skiing, boarding, rafting, and camping…” but nothing related to baseball or the team. I can’t for the life of me figure out why the mascot is a damn s’more… but now I have about a half an hour of my life gone because of this godawful mascot. Cheerio, what were you thinking?!?! (PR: 5)
4. Ladies and gentlemen. May I please have your attention? I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story and I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen: Cannon Ballers
(2-0)!!! That’s funny. Anyways, a part of me very much wants to put this on wax: The Cannon Ballers will represent Hopkins in the World Series. Should the WS actually happen this year, which… is not a given. Also, I think they won twitter
this week. (PR: 4)
3. Baby Cakes (2-0). Are there any combinations of words I can put right here that won’t leave readers thinking, “Jeez, what a pompous ass.”? Probably not. Wait a second… I think that’s what my entire series of rankings makes people think. Whoa. (PR: 3)
2. Biscuits (1-1…? What? That can’t be right). Griz hit the Vibes like they owed him money… Ha ha. Griz. He’s my favorite future least favorite teammate… Yup, I think I said that right. At this rate the Biscuits finish .500 (if they’re lucky) and are just begging me to be on the Rays next year. It’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait. (PR: 1)
(2-0). During my lengthy research this morning I learned that the S’mores, aka the Vibes, are a minor league affiliate of the… Milwaukee Brewers. And we all saw the tweet of Cheerio’s victory beer bath
last fall… So, if you’re wondering where Cheerio is going to play next year… look no further. Anyways, no surprise, the Brewers are good. Whatever. (PR: 2)