Nightmare’s HRL Power Rankings – Week 3, 2020
Some weeks writing the rankings is so easy they almost write themselves. Other weeks, like this week, it is very, very difficult. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because I just wrote rankings last Thursday. Maybe it’s the dark cloud of Covid hanging over everything that makes every ranking seem like it might be the last one of the season. I don’t know. Or care really, but I have to write something at the beginning of the rankings because I can’t just hit you with the good stuff without a little warning.
That’s what she said?
Anyways, please everyone stay safe and socially distant. I recommend heading to Menards to grab one of their gallon sized bottles of sanitizer for $10. It’s like 80% alcohol and smells like shi**y, shi**y tequila, and burns a little… but it’ll keep all your filthy little paws clean and prevent the spread of this pandemic. Also, wear a mask if you're around people. Or, if that’s not your thing, keep 6 feet away. Not sure how far 6 feet is? It’s about as far away from the board as most of the pitches Lulu swings at (Burn!). And let’s not be pricks if other people want to wear masks. It’s more for your good than theirs. Hmmm, okay, I’m done preaching (for now). Time for jokes!
15. Bish Please (0-4) (Editor's Note that the team has amended the name to Yard Goats). Since the last rankings the Pleases dropped a couple tough ones to the Brewers/Biscuits… that’s probably going to happen to a lot of teams this year. They get to play the Ballers and Pups Thursday, my birthday, in Hopkins. Sucks to be a Bearfish. For my birthday, please don’t get robbed (or hepatitis) in Hopkins. (PR: 14)
14. Rumble Ponies (1-3) played their first full 6-inning game! Oh, and won their first game!! Fun fact, the Ponies are undefeated in 6-inning games! They get this week off and host the Brewers/Biscuits next week. Well… the good news is they’ll probably keep their undefeated-in-6-inning-games streak going… (PR: 15)
13. Pirates (0-2)… probably wish they’d had another week off. Dropping two games in a night is never fun… Up next, the Brewers and Biscuits. Ouch. (PR: 13)
12. Saints (1-3) aren’t fooling anyone with that mascot. That is clearly a hockey player. They play the Vibes/Kards on my birthday! For my present, you can get Bliss Jr. some run support! (Side note: for the first time, it just occurred to me that every time I say BJ doesn’t get any run support, I’m taking a shot at the rest of the team… I feel a little guilty about that… except for Vlade). (PR: 12)
11. RoughRiders (0-2). Where’s Hjal? He was not there when you lost to the Ballers and Pups, perhaps he will be there when you play a team with an insensitive name? (PR: 9/10)
10. Yankees (0-0). Murder hornets. Rememebr them? For some reason I just thought of those terrifying winged monsters that were supposed to be a big deal and we were waiting for them to come wreak havoc on the bee population… but then… nothing… Now I’m not saying the Yanks aren’t going to be a big deal, or that they’re nothing, but I have been waiting to see them a long time… Oh man, remember the Bees? They were… a team. Yankees open their season against the RedBirds tonight! (PR: 9/10)
9. Americans (2-1). Lulu is batting a whopping .091 and boasting a healthy 2.77 ERA (here I’m using “healthy” like when someone says, “oh what a healthy looking baby,” but really they’re just saying the kid is fat)... I’m waiting for his on field performance to catch up to his mouth… I bet it’ll be awhile… In complete contrast, Knooty Booty is having a very good start to the season (.400, 3HR, 2.00 ERA) and is one of the nicest guys you’ll find in the league (#1 Box, #2 Huck Finn, if you disagree, we can fight about it). Looks like, despite Lulu’s best efforts (0-for-4 with a K), the Americans were able to defeat the Grumble Horses. Let’s see what heroics Lulu has in store for the Kards/S’mores later this week. (PR: 7)
8. Chihuahuas (3-1). In case you guys didn’t get the news, Groot made it Facebook official. We’re friends! He even private messaged me. It. Made. My. Weekend. In other news, the lil’ Pups are on a 3-game win streak and putting on a show offensively! Maybe… I don’t know if that last statement is 100% accurate. I started to watch their “highlight” video from last week and shut it off (almost immediately) after watching THREE WALKS IN A ROW. Yankees and Bishes are on deck for the Pups on my birthday. For my birthday, you guys can get me a highlight video WITHOUT WALKS in it. Oh, and maybe a pregame show BARK out. Get it? Instead of a shout out. Cause they’re dogs… (PR: 11)
7. Kardinals (1-2) have a new logo with a backwards ‘K.’ I think that’s funny, everyone knows the Kards go down swinging! At least that’s what the Yankees will be hoping for when these teams meet up Monday night.* (PR: 6)
6. [Racially Insensitive Team Name] (2-1). I saw on the internet that the Washington, DC football team is going to change its name. Just saying, changing your name is an option… Maybe discuss it with the RoughRiders who you’ll be playing this week. (PR: 7)
5. S’mores (1-2). They haven't played in like 2 weeks. Nothing has changed. Not even the ridiculous mascot. Thank you Vlade, for clarifying where Toasty came from. That article was the most interesting thing about the Vibes so far this season. The young S’mores hope to snap a 2-game losing streak on my birthday when they play the Saints and Americans. For my birthday, buy yourselves some earplugs for your game with the Americans. You know why. (PR: 5)
4. Baby Cakes (2-0). Dropping in the rankings because they haven't gotten to play in about a month… Up next, on my birthday, are the Brewers and Biscuits. I guess we’ll get to see what the Cakes are really made of... Me, I’ll be made of booze, cause it’s my birthday. And birthday wiffles are for drinkin’!! (PR: 3)
3. Brewers (3-1). Who the heck is this Baby Face guy? He has more career bombs than he has games played. His profile pic kinda looks like a young WebGem. Is this one of Webby’s kids? Did Webby clone himself to create the perfect wiffler (i.e. Webby w/out the responsibility of kids, helping run the league, etc.). Ummm, they play the Cakes next cause I just said that above and by now I’ve shut my browser down and don’t know the other team… Anyways, for my birthday, Webby can play topless. You’re welcome Mippey. Or wait, was Mippey intimidated by topless Webby? I forget, actually yes, Webby, shirt on for my birthday. (PR: 1)
2. Biscuits (3-1). Speaking of Mippey… Last week the Biscuits were hurting. Struggling. Stinking. Barely playing .500 ball, the club was in trouble and sure to reach out to Nightmare for some much needed help next year. But then something clicked. Just the thought of playing with Nightmare lit a fire under the pastry boys, and wow! Griz can’t stop hitting bombs. Mippey hasn’t allowed a hit all season. Truly, these “gentlemen” have no interest in playing with me. Message received… Maybe I’ll stop asking (I won’t). Just please, Bish Please, stop taking out your anti-Nightmare aggression on the teams from Eagan. Oh yeah, we play on my birthday. As a gift, please leave Griz at home. And Mippey. And Smallpox. And TwoBat. Bring Huck though, love that guy. (PR: 2)
1. Cannon Ballers (4-0). I’m going to double-down on my declaration from last week (Ballers make the World Series) and say that they will be the last remaining undefeated team this season. Not quite as bold of a prediction, but bold enough… actually, there's only 3 undefeated teams left… that’s a crap prediction… so… they’ll be the last team to lose 2 games. That’s slightly bolder… more bolder? The bolderest? Anyways, the Ballers look to stay undefeated against the Pleases and the Yankees on my birthday. For my birthday… okay, I think you all get it, Thursday is my birthday. (PR: 4)
*Tootin’ 2020: drinking many beers and blasting majestic bombs. I didn’t forget.