If you didn’t see the email, here is Nightmare paraphrasing the great and wise Huck Finn…
If you play in Eagan, follow these steps:
Step 1: Put on your mask.
Step 2: Get out of your car.
Step 3: KEEP THE MASK ON UNTIL YOU ARE BACK IN YOUR CAR.
It’s pretty simple, but I know some of you may push back, so let’s bust some common myths…
Myth #1: Masks make it hard to breathe.
BUSTED: I’ve seen most of you play, you don’t exert yourself enough physically to complain that the mask restricts your breathing.
Myth #2: I need the mask off to drink my light beer (especially true for the Kards).
Confirmed AND BUSTED: True, drinking is hard in a mask, but if you can’t remember to put the mask back on after sipping your light beer, get a straw or drink through the mask.
Myth #3: Wearing a mask is hard or whatever.
BUSTED: No it’s not. It’s simple. Put it on and keep it on.
Time for jokes!
15. Yard Goats (1-7). Myth: Shipwreck has too many kids to play wiffleball. BUSTED: I had no idea Shipwreck was finally off house arrest and heading back to the rinks last week. His return helped kickstart the Goats’s one game winning streak… not super impressive, I know, but even the longest journey begins with a single step… Goats split with the ‘Rats and the Vibes are up next. (PR: 15)
14. RoughRiders (0-6). Where the hell is Hjal? (PR: 12)
13. Pirates (2-6)
: T-Mac took Nightmare off his Christmas card list. CONFIRMED
: T-Mac mailed Nightmare a picture of Jussie Smollet and on the back it read, “I’m sending this to let you know you’re off the list, beyotch.” I thought the “beyotch” was unnecessary, but message received! Split with da Goats last week, they also play the GrumpyHorses next. (PR: 13)
11. MYTH: The Rumble Ponies (1-9) are a bunch of lame noobs who got swept last week and deserve a 15 ranking. BUSTED: Remember when the Ponies are making a playoff run (or just winning a few more games) that I said it first, “the 2020 Rumble Ponies are the 2019 Chihuahuas.” I spotted enough talent on the other side of the rink to know they’ll be trouble one day. They have very lively bats, they don’t swing at a lot of garbage most newbies swing at, and they got a couple guys that can pitch a little bit. With a little more experience (and alcohol), these guys are going to be a great addition to the league. Welcome, Rumble Ponies. (PR: 14).
11. The Americans (3-7)
are one week closer to fulfilling my 5-13 prediction. Here is a picture of my boy KB, which is the best thing I see going on for the Americans right now. These guys got swept by the Ballerz last week, play the Chihuahuas this week. (PR: 11)
10. Kardinals (3-8). Swept by the [racist team name], have a series next with the Cakes, and play the Goats this week. MYTH: The Kards can no longer hit the majestic blasts they’re known for hitting. BUSTED: Sure, Smallpox and Griz individually have more bombas than the Kards.* Sure, they’ve scored the fewest runs of any team in the league.** Sure, Tootin’ was quoted as saying the Kards bats are “dead…”*** Ummm… yeah, that’s all I have to say. Just kidding. The Kards started the season facing potential Cy Wiffle candidates like Yeller, Huck, and Epstein. Then things get “easier” and they gotta face guys like Shandy and Big Hoss. These bats aren’t dead. They’re just sleeping, and they’ll wake up soon. (PR: 10)
9. Vibes (3-4). MYTH: The Vibes are a good bunch of dudes that only send out “good vibes” or whatever BS they twitter about. BUSTED: These evil children sent the harbinger of doom, Cheerio, to spread bad vibes to the Cakes, specifically my favorite Baby Cake: me. Right before an at bat, Cheerio calls me over and whispers in my ear, “Hey Nightmare, you hear Fish hook and Epstein are tweeting sh** about you?” “What?!” I proclaim, “Never, they’re my boys!” Cheerio looks at me and says, “Really, they’re sending you bad vibes man.” I went 0-for-the-rest-of-the-night. Epstein. Fish Hook. Vibes. Even Cheerio. You are all dead to me. Anyways… lost a couple Saturday games to the Yankees. They play the Goats and Rats this week. (PR: 8)
8. Saints (4-7). MYTH: Nightmare keeps going back to the “run support” well because he has nothing else interesting to say about the Saints. BUSTED: I have plenty of things to say, all of them negative… and about Vlade! (I miss you buddy, and I have been thinking about you these past few weeks, even if I didn’t mention you). Saints were swept (3 games) by the Biscuits. A couple tough ones against the Ballerz up next… (PR: 9)
7. Chihuahuas (5-5).
I’m putting the myth bit on hold. I assume everyone saw this video by Mippey
recapping the Biscuits/Saints. I just want to go on record as saying Ajizz was an adorable fricking kid. He should have been in every Disney movie. Anyways. Week 6 of 2019, the Pups were 0-6 and I said this, “The Chihuahuas are better than their 0-6 record!!!”
I just wanted to remind EVERYONE, I loved the Pups first! If this counts as love… which I argue it does! Swept by the Brewers last week, Americans up next. Also, Groot, ‘sup. (PR: 7)
6. Baby Cakes (5-2). MYTH: Wiffleball is the most important thing the Baby Cakes have going for them! BUSTED: I can’t believe I’m typing this… but someone on my team (who will remain nameless), is skipping wiffles tonight for… softball. Sigh. Anyways, Cakes swept the Ponies last week, have games against the Kards and [racist team name] next … (PR: 6)
5. The Yankees (7-1). MYTH: Without Yeller, the Yankees are doomed! BUSTED: I knew the Yankees would stay competitive, but they’re off to a really good start and developing the next generation (or two) of talent. Well done. Saturday sweep of the Vibes, don’t play again until they head to Hepatitisville, USA (Hopkins) next week. (PR: 5)
4. [Racist Team Name] (8-2). #ChopWatch: 386HR, 997RBI…0 epic side burns… Swept the Kards last week, Cakes up next. (PR: 4)
3. Brewers (8-3). MYTH: Babyface is human. CONFIRMED? After hitting 11 majestic blasts in 7 games, Babyface has been held majestic blastless for three straight games. The Brewers swept the Puppies, Biscuits on deck! This could be a very interesting series. (PR: 3)
2. Biscuits (10-1). This one was really difficult for me, for a number of reasons… MYTH: Huck Finn is my favorite future teammate on the Biscuits. BUSTED: I rewatch every Mippey video. I take notes. He is a wiffle and comedy legend. I check the mail every day for a Fridley Factor invite. I know every word to each of his parody videos. I’m on a diet now so I can start pitching topless. Each week’s ranking is, at its truest heart, just a cry to Mippey, “
Love Notice me.” Biscuits won wiffleball games and play the Brewers next! (PR: 2)
1. Cannon Ballers (10-0). Myth: nobody cares. CONFIRMED. CannonBallerz have swept the league so far, looking forward to see how long they can keep this up! Also, I kinda miss Stache. Just saying. Hey buddy. (PR: 1)
*I made up this statistic.
** I made this one up too.
***This fact… also false.
Finally, you might remember from last year how much I enjoy the Marvel Cinematic Universe. This is my version of a post-credit scene/teaser…