I know what you’re thinking, this movie is almost 30 years old, it can’t be spoiled… but hear me out. I got to introduce my son to the 1992 classic this past weekend (streaming on Disney+). During the final scene where the Ducks play the Hawks for the championship, my kid was beside himself! He was down with every Hawk goal, and up with every Duck goal. It was awesome, he doesn’t even like hockey. He had never seen the movie and is too young to realize that the good guy is always going to come out on top. It was during these final moments in the film that I realized (not for the first time, but for the first time since I’d made up my mind to use the Ducks for the power rankings) my son is closer in age to most of the league than I am. I mean, maybe not most, but at 6 years old, he’s definitely closer in age to the several teams than I am. And since he hadn’t seen the movie before, maybe some of his contemporaries (Ponies, Vibes, Chihuahuas…) hadn’t either. Ergo, SPOILER ALERT.
Well, this intro is already getting long, so… I rewatched the movie. I loved it. My household has been obsessed with the film for the past 48 hours. Therefore… quack, quack, quack…
Time for jokes!
is Gordon Bombay’s court appointed driver. Former tour bus driver for the Grand Funk Railroad, this guy has seen it all. Parties, chicks… amps turned up to about 8 jillion decibles… no regrets. Except for the 80’s! Maybes it’s the (mandatory?) sleeveless uniforms. Maybe it’s the feeling that every one of the RoughRiders (0-8)
looks like he has a truly unbelievable story that would knock my socks off… I don’t know. Maybe they just all look like roadies for an 80s metal band… They may still be looking for their first win against the Cakes this week, but these guys look like they know how to have a good time. (PR: 14)
14. Goldberg! This comparison maybe won’t last another week or two if the Yard Goats (2-8) keep winning games, but I can’t help but think of our introduction to Goldberg. The car clearing flatulence immediately, and forever, etched the goalie onto my heart. Talent wise… he’s not the greatest, but he’s sharp witted and hilarious. The beloved Goats split a couple series in a row (Vibes last week) and maybe don’t stink as much as Goldberg, or as much as some may have thought… They get the Kards (reschedule from last week) and [Racist Team Name] this week. (PR: 15)
*If you’ve been paying attention, and know your Ducks, you saw this next joke coming from a mile away*
13. Terry Hall
, younger brother of Jesse and winger on the inappropriately named [cringe] “Oreo Line.” Well, it was the 90s, I don’t approve, but it was a different time. Terry didn’t contribute much. He didn’t have many lines, he disappears from the franchise entirely after the first movie. There’s really not much to say about him. So why am I bringing him up, let alone comparing him to the Pirates (2-10)
. Because Terry Hall is portrayed by the Official Actor of the HRL Power Rankings, Jussie Smollet. That’s why! I’d be lying if this wasn’t 90% of the reason why we’re discussing the Ducks this week. I don’t get text messages from T-Mac very often, but last week I got this message. Then a couple days later I see Jussie in the Ducks… Sometimes the Rankings almost seem to write themselves. Swept by the Vibes and Ponies last week, T-Mac faces off against some former teammates and the rest of the Yankees this week. (PR: 13)
12. Jesse Hall
is the other half of the [cringe again] Oreo line. He was good at hockey? He spent more time being salty about stuff in the movie than actually playing hockey… Are the Rumble Ponies (4-9)
salty? I don’t think so, they’ve won four in a row… I think, the stats aren’t in. And for that reason I’m
pretty salty! A tenuous connection at best, but what the heck, I barely know the guys! They get the Vibes up next. For once the rinks will see a bunch of children playing this children’s game we love… get it? Cause they’re all like, 16. (PR: 11).
11. Peter Mark is the little guy with a big mouth. He is probably the funniest character in the movie and is constantly talking trash. My team played the Kardinals (3-10)
last week and I got home and immediately started to write this article as an under/over-rated. For the Kards, my underrated was Tootin’s trash talk. He is the king. Unlike their movie counterpart, however, the Kards can back up their trash talk… I think. The Kards are currently 0 for their last six… Yard Goats up next. And because I know you’re curious, their over-rated was how much they drink during games… I don’t even know if they finished a 6-pack on Monday.* (PR: 10)
10. Speaking of talkers… Lester Averman
always had something to say. Unlike Peter, however, his talk wasn’t necessarily trash talk and it definitely wasn’t original (or funny). Like most pre-teens, he just chattered away mimicking things he’d seen on TV or in movies and didn’t really come up with any clever. Speaking of unoriginal and not clever, Lulu plays for the Americans (4-8)
. Also, Knooty Booty and I exchanged texts all weekend. We may have been discussing plans for 2021… I can neither confirm nor deny. The Americans split with the Little Dogs last week, the Biscuits/Yankees and Brewers are up next. (PR: 11)
9. I don’t have much to say about Connie Moreau.
She seems good enough at hockey. She doesn’t do much to stand out in the film. She’s really a pretty vanilla character. She does have one flaw, much like the Saints (5-9).
Connie’s got terrible taste in men. She spends the latter half of the movie focused on Guy Germaine and… well, I don’t care for that clown. Much like Connie, The Saints have terrible taste in men. You know what’s coming next… Vlade. You guys couldn’t do better? BURN! I still miss you Vlade. Saints lost two of three against the ballers last week, Brewers/Yankees and Lil Dogs up this week. (PR: 8)
8. You probably forgot all about Guy Germaine
. He may be one of the most useless characters in the movie. He literally does nothing
to demonstrate he has any talent in the rink whatsoever, but then at the end of the championship game
when coach Bombay has to choose who to take the game deciding
shot, someone suggests Guy! The Guy had literally done nothing, why did people think so highly of him??? I mean, granted, it was his girlfriend who said his name, but no one laughed her out of the conversation… Anyways, the Vibes (6-7)
have been rated pretty highly most of the season… yet have never been above .500.** Maybe that says more about my rankings than the Vibes… Anyways, at least their Twitter
game is strong. They Split with the Goats and Swept the Rats last week, got the Ponies up next. (PR: 9)
7. Imagine you're just driving down the road with your boy Lewis and all of a sudden a hockey puck comes out of nowhere and demolishes your car window. You’d be pissed. That is, unless you're Gordon Bombay. You don’t get mad. No, instead you chase down Fulton Reed
, and you tell him to do it again. Much like Coach Bombay, I know talent when I see it. Even when it blindsides me in the car… or stares creepily at me from above the tree tops (right Groot?). I loved the Chihuahuas (6-6)
first. I saw the talent. Umm, I should probably say more about the team being good and less about me… or not. Pups split with the Americans last week, Cakes/Biscuits and Saints up this week. (PR: 7)
6. Coach Reilly
is a jacka$$. Sure, he won a lot, but man, what a try-hard tool. I still hate this guy. My kid hates this guy. He is the worst. Speaking of great teams people hate, the Baby Cakes (8-3) s
wept the Kards, split with the [Racist Team Name], and have the Pups/Ballers and RoughRiders up this week. Ugh, look at that pompous a$$ and that popped collar. I can’t stand him! Oh, and the Hawks, from Edina, were all Cake eaters. That was easy. (PR: 6)
5. There’s a scene in the movie when the Ducks learn that Coach Bombay
was once a Hawk. He was really good and destined to go pro and all that, but then he missed a shot and everyone kind of forgot he was awesome. Well, I’m here to (keep) reminding people that the guys on the [Racist Team Name] (9-3)
are awesome. I don’t care if they win or lose the rest of their games, when they decide to turn it on, beware. #ChopWatch
: 386HR, 998RBI…0 epic side burns. [Also, I’m updating my “nicest guys in the league” list: Box, Huck Finn, KB, Chops
.] Split with the Cakes, Yard Goats up next.*** (PR: 4)
4. Oh my god this is taking so long… I started writing this on Sunday afternoon and I’m still going. This sucks. But you know who doesn’t suck? At least not later on, at the beginning he’s a spaz, Charlie Conway. That’s right, the guy from Dawson’s Creek. It’s kind of weird, he spends most of the movie just trying to get Emilio Esteves to hook up with his mom… anyways, the rest of the movie he serves as the heart and soul of the Ducks. Refusing to cheat and calling Bombay’s crap. If the HRL had a heart and soul… it would be Truck, don’t be stupid! But if it had like a second heart, or something similarly important, but not as important, it would be Web Gem. Maybe like the league liver? I don’t know. Anyways, over the years Webby’s brought a lot to the league, and for the sake of finishing this article, that’s what I’m going with. WebGem = The Brewers (9-4) who split with the biscuits last week, Ballers/Saints and Americans this week. (PR: 3)
3. So, I don’t even know the next guy’s name. He’s the player on the Hawks that levels Adam Banks. He smokes him and sends him to the hospital. One of the Hawks looks back at him all teary eyed and asks, “What did you do?” His answer, “My Job.” Now, I’m not saying the Yankees (7-1)
are some heartless goons who’ll do anything they’re told, but there is something work-like with how the Yankees approach wiffleball. I’m not saying it’s good, or bad (I think it’s good, I lied, I’ll say it). They show up, they have their roles, they play the game, they see success. Yankees haven't played in awhile… Saints/Americans, Pirates this week.(PR: 5)
2. When will this be over?! Adam Banks
is the most talented player in the Mighty Ducks. They literally go to court to try and determine where he’ll play. Coach Bombay loses his job over this kid. For some reason, everybody’s all about this kid and I don’t know why! He never texts back! He won’t let you on his team no matter how many times you try! He ignores all your cries for attention! Why won’t the Biscuits (11-2)
love me!?!?! Oh… sorry… I may have been projecting a little bit… Sorry. Adam and the Biscuits are all very good at what they do. Biscuits split with the brewers… Americans/Chihuahuas & Ballers up this week. (PR: 2)
1. Cannon Ballers (12-1). Finally, I’m done. CannonBallers are the old guy, Hans. Why, cause he’s the last guy on my list and I’m too lazy to put any more thought into this. Oh, or maybe they’re Charlie’s cute mom cause… I don’t know, JC is cute. Umm… Terry and Jesse’s dad has a muStache… everyone on the Ducks has a Face. Charlie didn’t have a Daddy. Something something Charwall.. The Kid(s) on the team were all… in the movie. Anyways, I’m bored, see me at the rink and we can Taco bout it… (PR: 1).
*Tootin’: crushing majestic bombs and light beer?
**The Vibes were actually above .500 after wining their first game. But that is less funny than saying they were never above .500.
***Originally the [Racist Team Name] bit was going to be about Gordon Bombay and how he started out a really pompous jerk, but by the end of the movie eveyrone loved him… and I was going to say something like that about The Man, cause… I kind of really like him now, but for years I thougth he was just a pompous jerk. Anyways, look at this face and tell me I was totally off base with that…