First, a reminder. All-Star Voting is open
. Originally, I planned to do a team-by-team All-Star voting guide, but I could only recommend so many ‘Fun Star’ votes before the article would get really boring and repetitive… even more boring and repetitive than usual. So anyways, here’s a reminder to vote
. Seriously, STOP READING, GO VOTE. I’ll wait.
Now that you’ve voted, here’s my hot All-star take… Hopkins is lame. Seriously. How is it Hopkins has NO (zero, none, nanda) rookies. Six teams, and none of you could trick a single n00b into playing in Hopkins… I’d be surprised… but I’ve been to Hopkins.
Secondly, I got a lot of props for the Rankings last week. That means a lot. It really does. It’s nice to know so many people actually read these… and like them. Ahem… get ready for this… just a sec, I’m tearing up… Mippey said, to me about the rankings, “They’re the best thing to happen to the league since I’ve been in the league.” I mean, I didn’t think there was anything he could say, short of, “you’re on the team Nightmare,” that could invoke this kind of reaction from me… but I was wrong. I mean, he’s like a poet.
Anyways, I obviously have to follow up such a great article with… a mediocre article (at best). Let’s see how mediocre I can be.
Time for jokes!
15. RoughRiders (0-10).
Well, it sucks there is no NoobStar game this year (reminder, because Hopkins is too awful of a city to attract even one new player), because this is where I’d get on my soap box for Dumpy
. I got to see the kid in action
last week, and I’m excited to see how the kid progresses over the next couple of seasons. From the look of things, the kid is currently working on about a dozen different pitches. None of them are consistently great (yet) and he struggles with accuracy, but he’s definitely a n00b to watch! Turns out he’s a big Nightmare fan too… so he’s got that going for him! I’ll have to discuss with my boy KB, but we may have a spot for him on team ‘NightmareBooty’ next year (still tossing around team name ideas). Still looking for their first win, the Riders have the Pirates up next. Oh, and H8R got his first majestic blast of the season! (PR: 15)
14. I spent a lot of time thinking on the Yard Goats (2-13) this week. I am trying to focus on the positives in the rankings this year, and sometimes when a team is struggling, it’s hard to find positives. But there are some! Like Professor. The guy is having a great year. 11.15 K/6, that’s pretty dang impressive. He’s also hitting .281 with 7 bombas, that ain’t bad either. Also super impressive, the Goats only have 1 (one) error on the season! Goats lost a couple last week, got the Yankees up next. (PR: 14)
13. Pirates (2-12). [Note to self: Don’t mention Jussie Smollet. Don’t mention Jussie Smollet. Don’t mention Jussies Smollet…] Surprise fact of the day: PorkBot recently got his 700th career hit (18th All-time). That’s impressive and a little surprising. I sometimes forget PorkBot is an O.G. Congrats PorkBot! The Rats were swept by the Yankees last week, got the RoughRiders up next. (PR: 13)
12. Rumble Ponies (5-11). I’ve seen these guys around. We played them. I’ve said my piece, they’re a good addition to the league and what not… but I forgot to ask them, “What’s your deal?” Like, where’d they come from or whatever? Are these Fridley guys? Did they play in some tournament and find out about the league? I’m curious. Not so curious to actually ask someone… but curious enough I’ll ponder it aloud so as not to think of something better to write… Also, get your stupid stats entered… I believe they were swept by the Vibes and have more games Thursday. (PR: 12).
11. Americans (5-11)
. Is there any chance the Americans prove me wrong
(I’ll save you some time, this link is to my Week 5 rankings where I predicted the Americans would be 5-13 after this week)? I guess that wasn’t exactly a hot take… I’m anxiously awaiting this week’s highlight video of my favorite future teammate (KB) taking on my favorite future team (the Biscuits) where he’s trying to hit his 50th
career bomb. (PR: 10)
10. Saints (5-13). How am I supposed to change the joke to “Thor doesn’t get any run support” if Thor hasn’t pitched in like, a month…? It’s really hard to half-a$s these rankings when I gotta keep digging into a team to find easy jokes… Speaking of Thor, he’s the best Avenger, right? I mean, Chris Hemsworth. Sweet. Um… Oh yeah, Saints dropped two to the Puppies and play the Brewers next. (PR: 9)
9. The Kardinals (6-10) played three games last week and hit 16 majestic blasts… I predicted (no link, just trust me) their bats would wake up… it took a week longer than anticipated, but it happened. Will it continue this week against the Vibes? I don’t know. Do I care? Maybe only a little… (PR: 11)
8. Vibes (6-7). Maybe I’m just old, but this team… I don’t know. Just the thought of them is exhausting. Like, I don’t even know what to say, because whatever I say, their response will be to “burn” me on twitter. But then it’ll take me a week to notice because I’m an old and I don’t live on twitter. So a week from now I see a “savage burn” about me or my old man post or whatever and then I’ll have like a real serious moment where I’m thinking something like, “ugh, do I have to respond now or something? Because zoomers constantly need reassurance that they’re being heard and if I don’t respond they’ll just act out next time I see them. Because immaturity.” And blah blah blah. It. is. Exhausting. So, to summarize, s’mores, Epstein’s movie, Cheerio, whatever. Vibes swept the Ponies, got the Kards up next. (PR: 8)
7. Hmmmm… The Chihuahuas (8-8). I don’t know how I want to approach the Pups this week. It’s old news to say they’re good. It isn't surprising. It’s not the hot take it was a year ago. I think they have the talent to be competitive with any team… Everyone knows I’m a Groot fan… although he didn’t hook me up with that autographed photo he promised my kid! So what do I say? Oh yeah, I’m probably late to the “Clark Party,” but something about this dude caught my eye last week. I think last year my take on him was something like, “Huck Finn has a brother?” In hindsight that was a little disrespectful and I apologize. Clark might be one of my new favorite players in the league. Not that that means anything whatsoever. Cakes swept Clark and the Pups and the Pups swept the ‘Aints. Pups v. Ballerz up next. (PR: 7)
6. Yankees (10-2). At the beginning of the year, I would not have predicted pitching to be one of the Yankees strengths, but wow, they’re pitching well. Is it too early to say we’re in the middle of a MacGruberssance. MacGrubassance. MacGruber Renaissance… Anyways, saw the guy play last week. I think a year with the youngins last year reenergized the man because he’s playing well. Like a MacGruber half his age. Yanks swept the Rats, got the Goats on deck. (PR: 3)
5. Crawdads (formerly known as the [Racist Team Name], but I’m getting sick and tired of pointing out that the name is racist. Clearly, they don’t care. And neither do you, dear reader, because if you did you’d be more vocal that they change their name. So, my new approach will be to refer to them as the Crawdads until the name sticks and I get my own Crawdads 2021 jersey (#43, please). Next, let me fast forward to the super obvious joke... and as a gesture of good will, I threw this little beauty together. And let me be the first to say, that’s a damn fine little logo.) (11-3) #ChopWatch
: Chops got to 1000 career RBI in the Crawdads sweep of the Goats. They got the Ponies up next. If anyone is as serious as me about changing this team’s name, please sign my petition
to get the league to cancel the racist team name. (PR: 5).
4. Cannon Ballers (13-4). Did something happen between the Ballers and Biscuits last week? I saw something on Twitter, but I don’t speak Zoomer or Twitter, so I don’t really know… I miss the old days on the message board where people just put their beefs out there for all the world to see… Anyways, the Ballers had a rough week last week, losing 3 of 4, they’ve got the Pups up next. (PR: 1).
3. The Baby Cakes (12-3) swept Hopkins (Pups and Ballers) and the Riders last week, don’t play this week (Boo!!). Ugh, if my team cares to know what I think of them they can just ask. (PR: 6)
2. Brewers (13-4) Welp, BabyFace is doing BabyFace things again (blasting majestic blasts). I got to see Mrs. WebGem last week, but I’ll admit I was too bit shy to introduce myself. I’ve had so many nice things to say, I wasn’t sure if she’d want to meet me, or if she’d just dismiss me as some annoying fan of hers. Now I regret missing the opportunity… sigh… anyways, TheBrewCrew beat the Ballers in a walkoff (i think it was anyways), then they beat the Ain’ts and the Americans (twice) last week… and play the Saints again this week? Weird.. (PR: 4)
1. Biscuits (14-3).
Can you credit Nightmare with the win against the Chihuahuas, even though Nightmare doesn’t play for either team? I say, “Yes.” Why? I’m glad you asked. Before the Biscuits/Pups game, Nightmare wished his future teammates good luck. “F*** luck,” Griz tells me, “we’re the Biscuits!” I may be paraphrasing… Anyways, the Biscuits quickly fall behind 4-0. Things were looking BLEAK. The Biscuits had no answer for Clark and the Pups. Luckily (for the Biscuits), Nightmare was nearby and Nightmare is a fantastic (future) teammate, I wandered over to the Biscuits bench and gave ‘em a little of what I like to call, “Nightmare Magic.” I can’t explain exactly what it is… but I can tell you it is exactly
what the Biscuits needed. Final score: Biscuits 6, Pups 4. Mippey, you asked what I would bring to the Biscuits… Magic. And I look fabulous in yellow! Go Biscuits!