So, I guess Thursday is Power Rankings day now!  Every time I type ‘Power Rankings’ my brain thinks of the “Power Rangers…” because my kid… Sigh…
Speaking of my child, he was slow coming down for dinner the other night.  Annoyed, I march up the stairs to holler at him to get his a$$ downstairs.  I get upstairs to find him… I caught him… watching wiffleball videos.  He had gone on the YouTube and was forcing his cousin to watch HRL highlight videos.
Obviously, I was no longer upset and let them finish the video before heading down for dinner.  Lasagna if you are wondering.
Anyways, what’s the point of this story?  Well, first I will take any and every chance I get to talk about my son being awesome.  Second, the videos!  I think we can all agree they’ve gone next level this year.  With very few exceptions, they’re all very well done, very entertaining, and really help make this league special. 
On that note, I’ve spoken to a few guys around the league about their videos and possibly trying to copy what Truck used to do in the old days, that is, make a season-long sort of video.  I was trying to keep it under wraps because you all know I’m very lazy and I don’t know what sort of motivation I’ll have this winter.  However, I decided to mention it now because I wanted to ask folks to help out.  How?  If you film stuff, can I get it?  If I don’t film stuff, can you do cool stuff in front of the camera?  I have no idea what I’m looking for, but I figure I’ll know it when I see it.  I have tons of game footage, I guess it would be nice to have non-game footage… I don’t know, but that’s why I’ve been running around with a camera so damn much.
Anyways… now the pressure is on to actually do something… yikes.  Oh well.  If nothing comes of this, it won’t be the first time I’ve let you all down.
Speaking of let downs…
Time for jokes!
16.  RoughRiders (3-20).  So… did they forfeit?  I don’t know, and a forfeit is too pathetic for me to go and research.  I sincerely hope they managed to reschedule.  I guess it’s safe to assume now Hjal isn’t going to show up this year… just one of many great guys we’re missing this summer.  The Riders may or may not have forfeited last week and may or may not be forfeiting to the Kards again this week.  (PR: 15)
15.  Best case scenario, the Saints (5-22) will go 49 days between wins.  That is the most interesting thing I could think of saying about these guys this morning.  Their season will finally be done next week when they split a series with the Pups and Ballers.  (PR: 14)
14.  What am I seeing here… The Pirates (3-17) didn’t play for three weeks, now they are playing 6 games in 4 days…?  What…?  Umm… I like it.  Pirates were swept by the Crawdads in what were surely not lob games… on Monday (the day I usually do rankings), they played the Kards on Tuesday (an acceptably late day to turn in rankings), and they will play the Yankees on Thursday (the inexcusably late day I will actually turn in the rankings).  Also, I miss you PorkBot!  (PR: 13)
13.  Yards Goats (5-18) have had their struggles this year.  It’s been a tough year and whatever Neut was telling us about the Goats being the league’s punching bag, or whipping goat, or whatever the goat joke was, seems to be true.  Very tough year.  Sad to see it.  Swept by the Vibes last week, Crawdads this week.  (PR: 11).
12.  The Americans (9-16) are switching up their schedule this week (and next).  I honestly don’t remember what they are changing it to, and it doesn’t really matter, but Knooty Booty shot me a text Tuesday just to let me know.  So I could make any necessary, last minute, adjustments to the power rankings.  Obviously, my first thought was, “ha ha ha, I don’t care about any team with Lulu on it.”  My second thought was, “damn, my boy KB is thoughtful as hell.”  Thanks KB.  (PR: 12)
11.  In a league full of millennials, I am declaring today that the Rumble Ponies (10-17) are my favorites.  That’s not worth much, but I thought I’d make that declaration… Last week the Ponies may have won by forfeit.  That’s unfortunate, but a win is a win, right?  I guess it’s that time of year when people start thinking about the end of season rankings that actually matter… That is, the rankings entering the playoffs.  I guess those are called “standings,” not rankings… but whatever.  I don’t recall how all that works out… I think Huck sent an email about it… (PR: 10)
10.  I wonder if Lulu and the Kardinals (8-14) ever talked.  Mostly because I don’t have anything else to say about the Kards.  Hmm.  Now I’m really wondering.  How that would work out?  I mean, on the field I think it could work… but off the field… the Kards aren’t as quiet as the Americans and probably wouldn’t put up with his nonsense.  Would Lulu’s mouth run so hard if he had a team full of guys talking trash right back at him?  Would Lulu talk so much trash if he was on a team that won a bit more often?  Interesting.  Lulu-Kards 2021.  Umm, oh yeah, Kards have the Rats and Riders this week, swept by the ‘Dads last week.  (PR: 9)
9.  How many teams come out of wifflepalooza?  Two?  Three?  I really should read Huck’s email… My bold prediction is that the Chihuahuas (11-13) make it through (out of?) Wifflepalooza this year.  I don’t know what it is.  I didn’t bother to go look at likely ‘Palooza participants, I just saw the lil puppy logo on my screen and thought, “Playoffs!”  I’ll take it one step further and say The Wish and Air Bud step up big and lead the Chihuahua run.  Puppies haven't played in a while, Americans on deck.  (PR: 8)
8.  The Yankees (13-12) have not had a losing season since 2011.  That’s impressive.  I hope that streak doesn’t end this year.  2020 has taken so much from us already.  Please don’t take winning seasons away from the Yankees!!  Anyways, it may come down to the last night of the season… Drama.  That could be exciting?  Anywho, Yanks were swept (3 games) by the Vibes last week, got the Rats this week.  (PR: 7)
[Writer’s note: I do what I want.]
7.  Marlins (0-2).  WTF?  Last week the Marlins (Professor, Shipwreck, Neut, Schnoogs) played the Baby Cakes and they played well.  Pitching: A.  Hitting: C.  Defense: A+.  J**king Off: D.  (Wait, when did I start issuing grades?  I dunno, right now.)  That may not seem super impressive, but my two cents is that if they bring this line up to Wifflepalooza, they repeat their 2019 (and 2018?) ‘Palooza success.  The big question is IF they can continue running out this line-up (especially the Professor-Shippy pitching duo)… Shipwreck, start being nice to Mrs. Shipwreck RIGHT NOW so you can make Wifflepalooza.  I’m not joking.  Clean that mess you're making in the garage, start helping with some dishes, mow your lawn.  I don’t care, do whatever it takes!!  (PR: n/a) 
6.  Crawdads (19-4).  Your twitter lamented that my rankings “seem to be only about Chops, racism, & being old.”  Well, allow me to retort.  Chops is awesome.  Check out those stats and try and change my mind.  Your team name is racist.  You guys are old.  I didn’t do the math, but I’d wager a quarter of the league was still in diapers when guys started playing.  You/we are literally old enough to be their fathers.  So, to be clear: Chops is awesome, your team name sucks, you are old, and I am very lazy.  These rankings are typically the result of a couple cups of coffee and the lowest hanging fruit each team has to offer.  I’ll try to think of other things… but I wouldn’t hold your breath.*  (PR: 6)
5.   Cannon Ballers (17-9) Umm, I don’t have much to say about these dudes, except that they’re still putting out good videos.  I haven't mentioned those in a hot minute, but I’ve been looking forward to those every week.  I hate the city of Hopkins, but I don’t mind watching it on my phone.  Speaking of those videos, don’t forget, if you see Stache with a camera, you should take a moment to get in front of it and say or do something cool.  Stache’s Ball(er)s were swept by the Biscuits last week, have the Americans/Saints next week. (PR: 4)
4.  Dear Vibes (16-10):  STOP IT.  Nightmare does rankings.  Stop trying to rank things.  The Chihuahuas do a great pregame show.  Stop doing a pregame show.  I’m aware, imitation is the highest form of flattery, but stop it.  No one… NO ONE needs you to do the same things other people are doing in a worse, less funny, not at all interesting way.  Stop.  You are very good at wiffleball, keep that up, but stop trying to appropriate other peoples’ bits.  Feel free to find your own thing to do.  Just know, your thing is NOT ranking or pregaming.  Here are some suggestions: 1) Do a post-game show, 2) go back to Epstein’s couch, that had potential, 3) I’m sure the league would love some deep thoughts with Cheerio, 4) do in-game interviews, 5) really do ANYTHING that isn't already being done and that doesn’t try to get cute or clever (you know exactly what I’m talking about).  Last week these copycats swept the Yankees, have the Rats up next (PR: 5)
3.  I have an inside source that tells me the Baby Cakes (19-4) would love to use a couple game 3’s.  If I had my druthers,** it would be a game featuring future Cy Wiffle candidate, HOV versus… whomever.  Fun fact, I haven't finished more than three beers on a wiffle night yet this year (excluding beers I drink after the games are over, of course).***  Extra points to any team that would allow me to dink around the field with the camera during the game three (like ON the field, being probably very annoying).  Umm, oh yeah, Cakes almost lost two to the Marlins last week, but didn’t, Ponies are up next.  (PR: 3)
2.  HA HA, Brewers (23-6), your regular season is over.  Have fun staying home and not playing wiffleball… Umm.  I don’t know what else to say. Great year!  I don’t know where you found BabyFace, but I’d go back there and see if they have any more of him lying around somewhere.  Anyways, enjoy your pre-post season vacation. [insert joke about Webby probably having another kid about 9 months from now] (PR: 2)
1. It seems like I start a lot of these rankings talking about wanting to be on the Biscuits (25-4)… That was my best Mippey impression.  From his videos… He gets it.  Wow.  I may have finally run out of “Nightmare to the Biscuits” material.  I got nothing.  Oh well.  Maybe next week.  Time for the playoffs.   (PR: 1)
*I’m not actually going to try.
**I bet I’ve been waiting 20 years to use that word in a sentence.  The feeling I have now… satisfied.
***No, YOU might have a drinking problem.  Shut up!

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# Tugboat
Thursday, September 17, 2020 4:03 PM
These rankings suck.


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