NEWS

03

I get asked all the time, “Nightmare, you’re so cool and tall and young.  I want to know all about you.  What do you do with your free time?”  It’s pretty simple really.  Mostly, I just like to do awesome stuff!  This weekend, for instance, I did something I think is pretty dang awesome: I had three beers in one day.

*I promise, these are three different beers, even though they all look the same.

That in itself is not awesome.  Or unusual.  I have three beers all the time.  I may have even had three beers already this morning… But what is awesome about this, is who made the beers.  All three of these beers were brewed by HRL All-Stars.  I think that is pretty cool.  And very likely something no one has ever done before.  And I know it sounds crazy, but one day I think I’d like to drink four beers made by HRL brewers (beer brewers, not the Brewers from last year who drank Truly instead of beer, right Thunderson?).  

So, what’s the point really?  I don’t know.  I just think sometimes about all of the interesting people in the league and all the cool things people do that I have no idea about.  I’m guilty sometimes of thinking of everyone in the league as pretty one-dimensional.  Basically, you don’t exist outside of the rinks.  If it doesn’t show up on the league page, it doesn’t count.  I don’t know, maybe after I get my HRL fashion column going, I’ll start a “Get to know ‘em” column where I’ll write about different league members and what they do that’s surprising.  Did you know Kuks is in a Quiddich league?  Or that the Mart makes his own snow globes?  Griz is super into Hikaru Dordango… I mean, the list goes on and on.*

Anyways, thanks Epstein and Cheerio for the “Epstein Sauce” which, despite the terrible name, was actually pretty good.  Thanks Box for your unnamed beer that was brewed with home grown hops.  It was boozy and delicious and lead to a very long Saturday.  And thank you Nightmare (hey, that’s me!), for brewing… the carbonated-est one… what?  I dunno, I guess it was ok. 

Time for jokes…

20.   The Bears (0-4) are yet to play a six inning game… and now I hear that Papa Bear is on the 15-day DL with a sore wing.  Last week La Soportars got swept by the shorthanded Vibes.   This week they try to play a full game against the Grumble Horses.  Here’s something interesting about Papa Bear, he loves Cub Foods brand chunky peanut butter.  (huh?)  (PR: 17)

 
19.  The Lugnuts (0-4) are the proud completers of a couple six inning games… Look what I found!  The Hamm’s Bear (Sascha) playing baseball and… Well, I mean, you don’t have to make me a jersey when you adopt Sascha the Bear as your new mascot, but I would appreciate one.  Last week the ‘Nuts lost a couple to the Rough Riders.  This week they have a date with the Trash Pandas.  (PR: 18)
 

18.   The Millers (0-4) were off last week, I’m sure spending lots of time thinking about what they could do to bounce back and maybe win a game or two against PorkBot’s Dong Belt wearing BlueSox.  That was a really awful sentence.  (PR: 19) 

17.   Twins (0-4).  TT is back!  The Twins got swept by the Sod Poodles last week, this week they get JC and the Mmmmets.  Incoming: a fun fact about K-Mart, an HRL institution.  Did you know K-Mart loves pepper jack cheese and is afraid of sea monsters?  Am I making this stuff up?  I don’t know… (PR: 16) 

16.   Trash Pandas (1-3).  Had a bye week last week and take on Franklin’s Nuts this week… This could be an interesting matchup.  Can the Trash Pandas handle Franklin’s trash talk?  Ick.  (PR: 15)

15.  Blue Sox (1-3).  I think the BluesOx really missed an opportunity here.  Why doesn’t the Ox have blue sox (or any socks)?  BluesOx did not beat the Crawdaddies last week.  This week it’s Miller time  (something tells me for PorkBot, it’s always Miller time!  Please enjoy responsibly.  Seriously, PorkBot.  Moderation).  Also, to the right here we have the actual Blue Sox logo.  A sock so utterly filthy, not only could it stand by itself, but it grabbed a bat… apparently to assault someone.  Awful.  (did anyone else’s mother tell them their clothes were so dirty they could stand up on their own?  If not, that joke was worse than I thought).  (PR: 13)
 
 

14.   Yankees (1-5).  What is going on here?  Yankees out of the top 10 two weeks in a row?  This is uncharted territory.  Last week the Yankees were swept by the Cakes.  It was a very fun night where Neutron manned the grill and cooked up just about everything but Cake.  (meh).  This week the boys from the Bronx share an extended Yankees huddle in a bye week.  Are the Pabon brothers actually from NY?  What happened to the purple jerseys?  Someone really has to start this column… (PR: 12)

13.  Sod Poodles (2-4).  Wow.  This is getting difficult.  There’s no way a team as good as the Sod Poodles should be rated this low, but I’m really just looking at the win/loss records this week… I lost track of what I was #ChopWatching, but I think he got there and is well on his way to career hit 1300.  Last week snapped their 0-fer streak and swept the Twins.  This week they get to play my dearest Lulu and the Americans.  Speaking of Chops, here’s a fun ChopsFact: did you know he’s been to over 30 of the states and his favorite cheese is pepper jack?  Here’s a fact about the Man: he loves DMB and Ben Folds… wow… okay, that… seems out of character.   Something about imagining the Man air drumming in his car along with Carter Beauford is just… unsettling.  (Anyways, stick with me here, this may be going somewheres).  (PR: 20)

12.  Marlins (1-1).   These guys haven't played since 2020… Wait, not really.  It just seems like it because for some reason their schedule sucks (two weeks between games?  Lame).  That sucks for them.  The Marlins get my beloved Baby Cakes this week.  Should be fun to see how the Fish abuse their former teammate.  (PR: 10)

11.  Rubber Ducks (1-2).  Another team I think is better than their record, but they seem to be a little slow out of the gates.  The Ducks split with the Chihuahuas last week and have a splashy rendezvous with the Mariners this week.  Hmmm, how about, the Ducks are scheduled for a moist affair… better?  Not really.  (PR: 9)

10.  Mariners (3-3).  Last week the Mariners split their intersquad game with the Americans.   Bold call of the day, Mariners set a new franchise record for wins: 17 (or more).  This week they take on the Rubber Ducks in what will surely be a seaworthy affair… No?  Not really.  (PR: 14) 

9.   Ruff Ryders (4-2).  So, why didn’t the Ruff Ryders use this guy as their logo?  I mean, the dude from Night at the Museum?  Totally better than the horse dude they’ve been using.  Anyways, as soon as he’s taken off the roster, Hjal makes his return to the HRL. (If you remember, I said he’d make 20 games.)  This team could be very interesting to watch if Dumpy and Hjal bother show up consistently.  Ryders swept the Nuts last week and have a bye week this week.  (PR: 11)
 

8.  Americans (3-2).   I still have no evidence Thunderson is actually an American.  In case anyone was wondering.  Last week the Americans split with the Mariners and this week face the Sod Poodles.  Also, LULU… that’s just there so he’ll read the rankings.  (PR: 5)

7.   Rumble Ponies (3-1).  Did the ManHorses take a week off without permission?  Are they taking some time away to reconsider that awful, awful mascot?  Anyways, I thought they were going to play the Manatees, but it looks like they didn’t.  They take on the Bears this week.  (PR: 6)

6.  Chihuahuas (x-x).   Last week split with the Ducks.  This week they get the Crawdads.  I believe this will be the first round of games at the Shakopee Bowl and I hope they go well.  “Shakopee Bowl…” I know it’s their name and all, but “the Shakopee Bowl” doesn’t roll off the tongue… What’s that?  I can just say, “the Bowl?”  But wouldn’t people confuse that with Hopkins?  You know, the toilet bowl?  (I wrote that joke last week, April 26.  If it’s still here it’s because I still find it as damn funny now as I did a week ago).  (PR: 8)

 

[I should stop.  Nothing is going to top that “toilet bowl” joke.]

5.  Manatees (3-1).   I didn’t stop, I have a compulsive personality.  Umm… oh yeah, they took last week off too.  Not sure why.  This week the ‘Tees get the Vibes.  P.S.  I just remembered something I should add to the intro, but I’m too lazy to go back.  I think Shirls used to have a column where he’d interview interesting HRL’ers (hmmm, “interesting” may be a strong word, he interviewed guys like the Man, Dee, and Palpatine.  HAHA HRL History Burn!).  Anywho, maybe he should start that again.  Was it called A Side of Cheese?  It was.  I went and looked it up.  I just read through a few of these (to get all those fun facts I used) and someone really should do this again.  It looks like the last one is nine years old, so I think… it’s time.  (PR: 7)

4.  Vibes (5-1).   Last week swept the Bears.  Won by a couple touchdowns each game from what I could tell.  At one point I think Epstein was almost in tears because he couldn’t keep up with the score sheet.  This week they match up with the Manatees.  PS.  Cheerio/Epstein, remember, use baking soda to remove your beer labels.  Soak them in a water/baking soda solution for maybe 15-20 minutes and they’ll peel right off.  (PR: 4) 

 
3.  Baby Cakes (4-0).   Last week swept the Yankees.  HOV is a grown @ss man.  Which should surprise no one, but here is your warning.  Also, look at this text I sent in the pre-season.  Mostly I’m not that bright, but sometimes I’m pretty smart… although based off what I saw last week, I was off by about .100 points and 20 bombas!  This week they have the Marlins.   (PR: 3)
 

2.  Mets (4-0) were off last week and face the Twins this week.  It’s really hard to write about really good teams… ummm, so I won’t.  (PR: 2) 

1. Crawdads (6-0).  If HOV is a grown @ss man, I don’t even know what BabyFace and Griz are.  My goodness.  I won’t bother with the math, because really, who cares?  But I’m sure these guys are still on pace to break every record… I’m glad I don’t pitch in the Bowl.  AND THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what we in the comedy biz refer to as a callback.  Albeit a pretty mediocre one.  You see Griz, what I did there was referred back to my earlier joke when I referred to Hopkins, a city I do not like to play in, as a toilet bowl.  I don’t want to pitch there because then I’d have to face your team, which appears to be very, very good at hitting homeruns.  That’s a joke, but it’s not a fart joke, so I want to make sure it didn’t go over your head… that was not a short joke, but it could be.** (PR: 1)

 

*The list goes on and on because I made it all up of course.

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