NEWS

12

No, you’re late.  These were written and posted right when I wanted them to be… it’s been a long week and if not for Vlade, there’s no way these would have gotten done.  It’s true.  If not for Vlade, and my refusal to let him win, even once, there would be no rankings this week and I’d have broken my streak of however many weeks in a row...  If you’re reading this, thank Vlade.  

Then thank me, because you know, I did all the work.

Time for jokes…

22.  It’s a month into the season and I still haven't seen The Lugnuts (0-7).   I mean, I see them on Twitter, but that isn't real life, is it?   Anyways, they’ve played seven games this season and still haven't allowed as many runs (73) as they did to the Reds opening week of 2019 (80).  Fricking Reds… Last week the ‘Nuts dropped three to the Trash Pandas, they take on the Humble Ponies on Thursday… hopefully I’ll finish these and the Rankings will be posted by then… (PR: 19)

19.   The Bears (0-4) haven't played in a couple weeks?  I feel like they scratched their game last week at the very last minute.  Hopefully, they’re taking some time for Papa Bear to heal his wing.  They may play the Trash Pandas this week… or not, whatever they want to do is fine by me.  So long as they show up May 27.  I’m talking to you, Sully.  (PR: 20)

18.   The Twins (1-7) snap a losing streak by taking one from the BlueSox last week.  That was the 118th win of K-Mart’s career.  My arm is getting sore looking at his stats, 1303 IP, 6027 BF.  Talk about stamina… did that sound dirty?  Was it supposed to?  Is this right, the Twins played the sOx Monday and play… the sOx again next week?  Lame.  Or maybe really awesome to hang out with the sOx (minus Vlade) in back to back weeks.  (PR: 17)

17.  Hmmm, the Millers (1-5) also played their last game against the Blue sOx.  What’s going on here?  Am I reading this wrong?  And the Millers also snapped a losing streak against the sOx.  Odd.  If they play the sOx again next, I’m stopping the column right here… Nope, Chihuahuas.  Sorry, Vlade. I’ma keep going… (PR: 18)

16.  The Yankees (1-5) were off last week.  I’m not sure what’s going on with this 1-5 record, but they pretty much need to knock it off and start winning some games.  This week they have the Manatees.  (PR: 14)

15.  Marlins (1-3) finally got to play last week after having nearly a month off between games.  They lost a couple to the Baby Cakes as you can see from the highlight video.  If you skip the video (I wouldn’t blame you), the big takeaway is that the Marlins join the list of teams with multi-generation duos, my favorite thing about the league.  Also, their rookie, Cannablast (Professor’s son) took Nightmare and Seuss deep in his HRL debut.  Well done young man!  This week Cannablast will continue dominating HRL pitchers as the Fish take on the Vibes.  (PR: 12)

14.   The Blue Sox (3-5) are a team in the HRL.  They have won three games, and lost five.  Last week split with the Twins, this week take on the Sod Poodles.  (PR: 15)  [writer’s note: this is how every team looks unless/until I can think of something interesting to say about them… dongbelt?]

13.  The Mariners (3-5).  I took a minute to check on Super Nick/Dave… 2.67 ERA, 27 Ks (tied for 5th)… okay, I’ll keep watching.  Swept by the Ducks last week, hope to turn things around against the Mets this week… ruh roh.   (PR: 10)

12.   Trash Pandas (4-3) swept the Lugnuts last week.  Apparently Trash Pandas trump (Franklin’s) Trash Talk… ew.  This week they may or may not play the Bears… Ummm, did anyone else notice pNut hitting .405 with 6 bombas.  Is it too early to start rookie of the year talk?  (PR: 16)

11.  Are the Rubber Ducks (3-5) the first team to keep the Crawdads in single digits?  If not, they’re certainly the first to do it twice in a night.  That says something.  What?  I’m not sure, but it’s not not impressive.  Rubberducks get the Mets this week.  #WhenIsFacetime? (PR: 11)

10.  I’m just not feeling the name “Sod Poodles” (2-6) as much as I thought I would.  I need to come up with something better.  Hit me up if you have any ideas.  Or don’t, I don’t really care that much.  Poodles were swept by the Americans last week and have the BlueSox this week.  What the poop?  They’re like the third team to play them next?  I just had a great thought for a sitcom, Nightmare and the Man.  So… this is a rip off of an old show (Chico and the Man), it isn't worth linking off to… but just think of the shenanigans.  I am.  Haha.  Fun times.  (PR: 13)

9.   Ruff Ryders (4-2) are finally starting to act like the team I thought they’d be… like 3 years ago.  Well, like many things, they are getting better with age… meh, this analogy is going nowhere.  The RRs are hitting, pitching, and most importantly winning.  They’ve had some time off to prepare for the Cakes at the Bowl this week (Shakopee, not toilet Bowl).  A lot of history between the Riders (former Gothams) and Cakes (former Reds), this should be a great night of wiffles.  (PR: 9)

8.  Chihuahuas (3-5).  Just got done watching their highlight video from the Bowl (Shakopee, not toilet) last week and let me tell you something.  It was awful.  Let me tell you something else, if you have Groot and The Wish on the field (and I guess Webby too), that’s what you cover.  Smallpox hit 30 HRs.  I don’t care.  Murse becomes the first pitcher to hold the ‘Dads to single digits?  Not my problem.  You let the camera soak up every last one of Groot’s six feet and seven inches… You light the Wish and make keep that man a star.  The only thing you did right was keep AJizz off my screen.  Ajizz.  Bleccchhhh.  Anyways, the Puppies got flushed at the Bowl (Shakopee, not toilet) last week, then dropped a couple to the Mets… wait… Stop losing.  That’s an order.  Hey, did anyone check, have I been mentioned on the pre-game show yet?  How about if I make a bold prediction… Groot and the Wish combine for four bombas against the Millers… (is that bold?  Maybe)  (PR: 6)

7.   Rumble Ponies (3-3).  I haven't seen these guys yet this year either.  Are they on Twitter?  Are they okay?  I need to check in on these guys… Earlier this week, Ponies got swept by the Manatees.  This week they continue to have the most disturbing mascot in the HRL.  Yeesh.  They got the ‘Nuts next… or maybe the Bears.  (PR: 6)

6.  So… the Manatees (5-3) another team I haven't seen at the rinks yet this year.  I’m not sure how they’re playing, but I know Tootin’ troll game is in midseason form.  He was kind enough to shoot me a text earlier this week reminding me how much I’ve been stinking this year.  Thanks, bro!  Do we play them soon… seems a little early for him to be trying to get in my head… Anyways, Monday swept the HumblePonies, Thursday take on the Yankees.  (PR: 5)

5.  Americans (6-2).  I guess Thunderson is actually an American.  Or maybe it’s just someone pretending to be Thunderson… He lead his fifth new team to a sweep of the Sod Poodles last week.  What can he do against more of his former teammates this week when they take on the CrawDaddios?  Lulu! (PR: 8)

4.  Baby Cakes (6-0).  The Cakes dropped in the rankings?  They’re undefeated, coming off a couple big wins, what’s the deal?  Well, if I’m looking at this team objectively (which I rarely do), they got a HOV and a Psych, but where’s their big man?  As Tootin’ so kindly pointed out via text first thing Monday morning… sigh… NO BOMBAS… wait… somehow 3 doubles?  And no errors?  Does anyone fact check the book?  Anyways, Cakes drop in the ranks until they start playing up to potential.  Last week the Cakes swept the Fish.  This week play at the Bowl (Shakopee, not Hopkins toilet Bowl).  (PR: 3)

3.  The Vibes (7-1) lead the league in walks.  That is all.  Last week swept the Manatees, this week they go fishin’ against the Marlins!  (PR: 4) 

2.  Bold prediction, the Mets (8-0) will be the last remaining undefeated team.  They played the Pups Monday, take on the Mariners Thursday.  (PR: 2)

1.  Crawdads (10-0) are showing signs of slowing down.  Three straight single digit performances.  Still on pace to break league records for HRs and Rs.  (PR: 1)

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