NEWS

10

Dear HRL,

I’ve had a long week and a terrible day.  I’m re-reading these rankings, and they’re pretty spicy.  If I crossed any lines, you know, too bad.  I’m a bad man and I say what I want!

I’m struggling for ideas, so here we go.

Time for jokes…

Lugnuts (20), Hamm’s is not good.  You all seem to be adults with at least five dollars, try buying better beer.  You’ll enjoy it more.  And are you even in the league anymore?  Try playing a game once in a while.  

Bears (19), you were a lot cooler when Half Pint occasionally brought donuts.  I’m not sure why that stopped, but I for one miss the baked goods.  “Baked goods,” there’s a marijuana cigarette joke in there somewhere… Also, I miss your faces.  Take that!

Blue sOx (18), what happened to the DongBelt?  Something something Porkbot or Vlade.

Millers (17), I barely know you dudes and I am constantly worried about crossing a line… and then I say whatever I want anyways.  So there!  I want to enjoy a quiet lunch with Bliss Jr. sometime!  At subway, or Wendy’s!  I enjoy those places and I think he would too!  And maybe the Mart cause the couple times I talked to him he seemed nice!

Mariners (16), you keep adding guys to your roster.  Are you trying to match roster size to your weekly ranking… that was kind of mean and not particularly funny.  But I don’t care, cause I’m angry Nightmare!  I’m going to rank you guys top 5 next week so you have to cut half your team!

Yankees (15), #NotMyYankees.  Keep bringing delicious foods, stop losing.

Twins (14), something about the Baby Cakes wanting a restraining order against Nelson… kind of like the schools in his neighborhood… is that too far?  Seriously, Nelson has more home runs this year than fingers?   Yeeeesh…. This guy’s on a tear!

Marlins (13), I don’t think this team drinks anymore and I don’t know how I feel about that.

RubberDucks (12), dammit.  I keep forgetting to watch Cobra Kai for new material.

Chihuahuas (11), I was going to get on your case about not going live, but then I went to check your twitter and saw the “I’m a professional wiffleball player” tweet and laughed out loud.  Really funny.  Like anyone would pay you guys to play wiffleball.  

Trash Pandas (10), I’m glad you didn’t get contracted, but your upcoming stretch of games may make you wish you were contracted… oh boy, this is the part of the rankings where my brain gets all fuzzy and less funny...

Team Chops (9), see what I did there? 

Rumble Ponies (8), my dudes, I really thought I’d have gotten you to switch up that logo by now.  

Things are going downhill fast…

RoughRiders (7), I miss the old really obnoxious H8R who used to annoy the crap out of me.  Ugh, I couldn’t stand that guy.  Bring him back.

Manatees (6), I think Tootin’ feels bad for me.  We texted back and forth for about an hour yesterday.  He went from his usual abusive masterpieces to offering hitting advice.  Sigh.  You know you’ve hit rock bottom when Tootin’ won’t insult you anymore.

Baby Cakes (5), every time I get a text from one of you guys, I expect it to say, “don’t bother showing up this week.”  Thanks for hanging in there.

Americans (4), you are winning a lot of games and beating good teams.  Has anyone stopped to think of how unbearable Lulu will be if this winning continues?

Vibes (3), I am really sorry for the aggressive greeting the other night, Cheerio.  You’re just a child, and I'm sure a grown man yelling at you like that was traumatizing.  Please shave your disgusting upper lip.  And Pre-K (aka JJ aka FishHook) is doing modeling work for Cub Foods now…

 

2. Crawdads (2), I am still laughing at my inside joke, Smallpox.  P.S. You and I have some unfinished business regarding that great idea we had.  Mostly my idea, but I need you, so it’s “our” idea, okay?

Mets (1), hey Taco, for old times’ sake, you think you could throw a little shade my way?  I miss it.  I’ll get you started, I try too hard and I wear stretchy pants under my shorts.  Mippey is better than me in every way, especially at creating online content… okay, take it from there!

[Thunderson: I submitted these rankings to Dee and Truck at approximately 3:45pm, Thursday June 10, 2021.  So there!  Which means nothing since I didn’t make any predictions, bold or otherwise.]

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