Oh boy ladies and germs… This one has been a long time in the making… unfortunately, it is unlikely to live up to my (or your) expectations.
Since the inception of the rankings, I’ve wanted to do one with a booze theme. I’ve started, and quit, writing this version at least a half dozen times.
For some reason this morning, inspiration struck, sort of, so you get it today.
Please enjoy a list of some of my favorite (and not so favorite) beers of which I am reminded of by the teams of the HRL. The grammar of that last sentence is… questionable.
Oh yeah, also I forgot to run a spell/grammar check so sorry not sorry…!
Time for jokes…
20. Bears (2-15), Buckler,
It’s non-alcoholic, but it’s delicious. And that means I could share one with Trucker. It’s far better than the stuff he’s drinking… anyways, I like to mix in an NA beer from time to time, you should try it (both NA beers and this particular beer)… Anyways, I can’t seem to find what happened in the Bears’ last series… They travel to Central to play the Americans and Mets Thursday. They travel to Inver Grove Heights Saturday for a rock and roll presentation. I hear it should be a good time. (PR: 19)
19. PBR, The Lugnuts (0-17). It’s a small, but very important step up from the Hamm’s they’ve been drinking. Seriously, Hamm’s is not good. So, Franklin got his nights mixed up and left town to avoid me last Monday. We’ll see what his excuse is when we actually play next week. That ‘Nuts were swept by the Marlins in a Monday series, host the Blue Sox and Chihuahuas Thursday. (PR: 22)
18. Miller Lite, because “It’s Millers time (4-12)!” Bill Murray? Ghostbusters? Anyways, that might be a perfect movie… And Miller Lite is the perfect summer beer. If you disagree, you're wrong. Now, I’m not saying the Millers are perfect, but I am saying that, like the beer, they are a solid beer that has great taste and is less filling… ummm… okay, The Millers split with Eagan last week, host Eagan’s horse teams (Riders and Ponies) this week. (PR: 18)
17. Lagunitas Sucks, Twins (5-14).
This is just a really good beer with a surprisingly awful name and my guess K-Mart is the only one reading this who’s tried it and knows what I’m talking about. Anyways, Nelson? What’s going on? No bombs in awhile. Go ahead and rectify that situation. Twins split with the Eagan horse teams last week, have a bye for… three quarters of a month. Jeez Louise, they don’t play again until mid-July!
That sucks! (PR: 17)
16. Surly Darkness, Blue Sox (6-16). Cause they are surly, surly men. Hot take, these guys are mean. That is all. sOx split with the Eagan Elite last week… although clearly not that elite if the lost to Vlade and the sOx… Anyways, they get to visit Sky Hill Forest this week to play the Nuts and Yankees. (PR: 16)
15. Anchor Steam, Mariners (6-12). Mostly here because of the nautical theme, but also because I forget about Anchor Steam all the time. Then I see it on a beer menu (usually at a lame fancy place my wife drags me to) and I get excited to see this good beer on the menu, so I order one. I get it, I taste it, and then I’m like, “oh yeah, it’s pretty okay…” Similarly, I came into the season with pretty high hopes for the Mariners, and despite all my hype manning (is that a word?), they insist on being… pretty okay. Last week the ‘Ners were off, and they get to visit Lando Calrissian Park this week to take on the Cakes and Vibes. (PR: 5)
14. Bud Light, Trash Pandas (7-10). I was thinking, if I was a Raccoon and I was scrounging in the trash for beer, what would I expect to find… And I thought, “Bud Light!” Also, Bud Light (to me) isn't awful. I’ll drink it on occasion, but usually, if I start out a night drinking Bud Light, things end up… not so great. Speaking of starting out hot… The Panda’s good start is fading into distant memory now, having dropped their last six, including two to Hopkins last week. The Pandas hope to snap the losing streak at the Shakopee Bowl where they take on the Sea Cows Thursday. (PR: 13)
13. Sierra Nevada Torpedo, Yankees (7-9). In my opinion, it is a classic beer that always hits the spot. And it’s named after Torpedo. Are the Yankees back? They’ve won three of their last four… Split with Hopkins last week, hose a couple more Hopkins teams Thursday at Sky Hill Forest. Seriously. Bring a machete. Or a lawnmower. (PR: 14)
12. Ballast Point Sculpin IPA, Marlins (10-7).
With or without the grapefruit, this is a delightful beer. Plus it’s got a fish on the label, so… The Fish have won six in a row! Can they keep it up in Hopkins versus the Mighty Mets and the Average Americans? (PR: 15)
11. Natural Light Naturdays, Chihuahuas (7-9). AJizz promised me a Naturday in 2019. And I am still waiting. A couple weeks ago, because AJizz lied to me and never gave me one, I went out and bought my own… a twelve pack. And let’s just say, it’s awful and I hate it, and I have like six left in my refrigerator. A better man would say, “Wow, AJizz really did me a solid by not giving me a trash beer.” But I’m not a better man, so unless/until AJizz comes and drinks my remaining swill, he is on my poop list. Pups split with Eagan last week (Vibes and Cakes), they’re stuck playing in Sky Hill Forest this week (Nuts, Yanks). (PR: 12)
[writer’s note: Shipwreck has been coming by and helping me drink the nasty beer, which is why there aren’t 11 left.]
10. Oskar Blues Dale’s Pale Ale, Team SanChops (7-9). Really, anything from Oskar Blues is good. A lot like this team. A lot of variety, but each guy/beer is really good in its own way. #ChopWatch: 1297 hits. #DaubWatch: Wow! Hit 800 last week! Split with the Ducks last week, got the Cakes and Vibes this week. (PR: 10)
9. Steel Toe Size 7, RubberDucks (8-8).
In 2019, I had the fortune to play in the HRL Spring league. That’s where I first met Zabka (aka Daddy) and Face, and where I really talked to Stache for the first time (I didn’t enjoy it). Anyways, what’s that got to do with delicious Steel Toe beer? The league played about 2 minutes from Steel Toe Brewing, that’s all. The Ducks are playing well lately, winning 5 of the last 6. Stache & Co. are finally starting to get their crap together. I attribute it all to my favorite Duck, Face(time) who is 11 for 24 with four bombas over that stretch. Way to be the spark your team needs, Face(time). Swept Eagan last week (Nuts, Yanks) and hope to do it again this week (Eagan horse teams). (PR: 11)
8. Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA, Manatees (9-9). Why this comparison? Because 90 minutes is as long as you can be near Tootin’ without being annoyed? Because the beer has a lingering bitterness, like Tootin’? Or because I just wanted to highlight one of my favorite beers along with one of my favorite teams (I’d never admit that in public)… Anyways, where IS Tootin’? His Sea Cows have lost four in a row in his absence. My phone is also surprisingly insult free the past week or so. What’s going on? Is there trouble in Manatee town? Do we need to send out a search party? The Tootin’-less Manatees dropped a couple to Hopkins last week (Mets, ‘Mericans) and take on the Pandas (Thursday) and Vibes (Sunday) at the Shakopee Bowl! (PR: 8)
7. Sweetwater 420 Strain, Rough Riders (10-8).
Maybe it is just the color scheme of the label… Yeah, probably just that. Ugh, last week I predicted these guys to pull off an upset and then they go poop the bed. (For the record, Webby took personal offense and texted to tell me so) Oh well. The first half of the Eagan horse squads got swept in Hopkins last week, travel to Valley to play the Millers and Ducks Thursday. (PR: 7)
6. Rolling Rock, Rumble Ponies (11-7). First of all, this is bad beer and I know this. The Ponies are not bad (they beat the Crawdads last week!). But the Ponies have forced my hand by refusing to change their logo. What beer do I think of when I think of a horse’s head? Ponies, of course. So, these guys have won six of their last seven, including two over the Twins and the… did I mention they beat the Crawdads? No one saw that coming. Air Jordy in his second career start? Beat the Dads? Okay Air Jordy. I see you. The Ponies hope to continue their dominance of Hopkins at Valley this week where they take on the Ducks and the Millers. (PR: 9)
5. 3 Floyds Alpha King, Vibes (12-4). Sometimes this beer is my favorite, other times it just doesn’t hit right and I’m disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, usually it’s delicious, but one in like 12 times, meh. Last week I saw Huck Finn drink… kind of a lot. I was somewhat impressed. Not impressive? The Vibes’ performance in Hopkins last week. Yikes. In case you missed it, they got swept (sOx, pUps). They host the Mariners and another team at Carnelian Thursday, and play at the Shakopee Bowl Sunday (Manatees). (PR: 3)
4. Barrel Theory Unsubscribe, Baby Cakes (16-2). Probably my favorite brewery on the list, and I could have chosen any of their beers, but right now I’m guessing if you are still reading, you wish you could unsubscribe… meh. Cakes played Monday… not sure what happened… They play the Mariners and the Man & Co. Thursday at Carnelian. (PR: 6)
3. Budweiser, Americans (14-4). I mean… that one sorta explains itself. Americans beat a couple Eagan teams last week (Pandas, Manatees), and host a couple more (Bears, Fish) this week. (PR: 4)
2. Karbon4 Fantasy Factory, Crawdads (17-3).
The beer itself is amazing, but even better is the label: a ninja cat with a handgun riding a flame breathing unicorn… I don’t know, it’s just a combination of awesome. And even though the ‘Dads aren’t on pace to break every record anymore, they’re still pretty awesome. And it just occurred to me that I don’t think these guys drink (good) beer (or beer at all, right Webby?) so this was a wasted comparison… Anyways, they split with the superior talent of Eagan last week (horse-themed teams) and have three weeks off to sit and think about it. See you in July Crawdads! (PR: 2)
1. Toppling Goliath Golden Nugget, Mets (18-1).
I don’t care, it is the best beer I’ve ever had and I don’t get it often enough. Speaking of great things I can’t get enough of… The Mets have defeated everybody but Lulu, they will likely continue winning for the foreseeable future. (PR: 1)