posted on July 12, 2021 08:57
You know what no one cares about and I know no one cares about? The rambling to start out every week’s rankings. It’s just like, we get it Nightmare, something stupid happened to you and you want to tell someone about it and waste some time before you get to the “good” stuff. Okay, fine. Nothing stupid happened to me in the three days since the last rankings, so I have no silly story to kick off the article. Are you happy?
Seriously. Are you happy? I hope so. I want you to be happy.
Know what makes Nightmare happy?
Well, I’ll give you a clue…
Time for jokes…
(#20) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Lugnuts (0-23).
There wasn’t a more frustrating game, ever. The Ninja Turtles were my favorite thing ever as a kid. I lived, breathed, dreamt Turtles… and this game. It wasn’t wacky, it wasn’t funny… it wasn’t good. I loved it anyways, but man, I’m still sad when I think of it. Speaking of fun teams to play that are a little disappointing… too mean? You should hear some of the things Franklin says… (PR: 20)
(#19) Batman: The Video Game, Bears (2-19).
Why shouldn’t the team who takes its name from a movie be compared to a game with a movie tie in? Because it’s lazy… and so am I. I remember loving this game as a kid. Jumping off walls, tossing all sort of sh*t at the bad guys. It was an awesome game starring my favorite superhero. Are the Bears awesome? Do they star a superhero? One day, I’m going to start giving the other Bears, especially Sully, the same props I give Truck… but not today. In case you missed it, I just said Truck = Batman. (PR: 19)
(#18) Faxanadu, Millers (7-18).
Other RPG games may get all the glory, but this is one of the best games I ever played. It was weird, I remember most of it took place in a huge tree world and you wore weird winged boots, and there were all sorts of weird swords and stuff… but it was just… good. I think the Millers deserve more attention. I said it last week, they should come to Eagan and win 20+ games per year, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all. (PR: 15)
(#17) Baseball Stars, Mariners (7-18).
Peak NES baseball. There were a few other good baseball games on the system, but I loved this one because I spent almost as much time customizing my teams as I did actually playing the game. Reminiscing about the game reminded me of Coach, who’s still sidelined this season due to injury, but I’d like to think he’s still having fun every week taking part in all the great parts of the league that don’t involve further injuring one’s self. (PR: 18)
(#16) Mega Man 2, Twins (6-15).
I think there were like six Mega Man games for the NES, but this is the best one. The sequels came and went, but this one endured. The league has changed over the years. Many, many teams have come and gone, but we’ve always had the Twins. One of only two of the original franchises left. (PR: 17)
(#15) Kung Fu, Trash Pandas (7-14).
I haven’t seen the Trash Pandas since week 1. As such, I don’t have a lot to say about them beyond, “they have the best name in the league.” Similarly, Kung Fu is a game I can’t say much about. The whole game is like ten minutes long, there’s maybe three different bad guys, and they come wave after wave and you just repeatedly punch or kick these dudes. In the face. And then they fly off the screen. It’s terrible. And awesome! What more do you want from a game than to kick literally hudreds of the dudes in the face and hearing “woo woo” and then the occasional comic “boing” as the baddies fly off the screen? Anyways, miss you Pandas, hopefully we meet again soon. (PR: 14)
(#14) Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!!, Blue Sox (9-17).
You ever stop and think about the weird cast of characters in this game? Bald Bull, Soda Popinski, Glass Joe, Von Kaiser, King Hippo…? What a weird bunch of dudes to put together… (PR: 16)
(#13) Castlevania, Yankees (10-13).
Simon Belmont enters Dracula’s castle to battle monsters! Am I saying that Rocket is a vampire who doesn’t seem to age? No. Am I saying the Yankees are a bunch of classic horror movie monsters? No. What am I saying? Castlevania was a really good game that I loved playing as a kid and I really like it. Also, I like the Yankees. T-Mac would be the wolfman though, just sayin’! (PR: 13)
(#12) Super Dodge Ball, Marlins (11-13).
It’s dodge ball, on steroids, on Nintendo. It was awesome. The whole game is throwing the ball as hard as your stubby little dudes can throw, right into the faces of your opponent. It is comically violent and ridiculous, and I love it. What’s this got to do with the Marlins? I don’t know, but I bet a Super Dodge Ball tournament with the Marlins would be a blast! (PR: 10)
(#11) Final Fantasy, Team SanDaChops (11-11).
One of the best, most successful games of all-time (I don’t know that for a fact, but I assume it is true). You start the game choosing your team and talents, then embark on a kicka$$ adventure where your dudes get better, the monsters badder, and… If you want to talk classic games, iconic games, look no further than Final Fantasy. And speaking of classic icons, look at this team’s roster. (PR: 12)
(#10) Double Dragon, Rumble Ponies (12-10).
You may want to argue that either of the sequels were better, but I don’t want to hear that. The original is where it’s at. This game was scrappy, just like the Ponies. A classic street fighting game where every level you learned a new move. Sitting on the dude and punching him in the face, grabbing them by the hair and throwing them, awesome stuff like that. Now, I’m not saying the Ponies would pull hair or knee someone in the face to win a game… but they might consider it. (PR: 7)
(#9) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game, The Manatees (14-13).
This game was… is one of the most fun games I’ve ever played. I still break this game out once every year or so and play through it because it is THAT awesome. Likewise, the Manatees may have my vote for the most fun team, if there was a vote. Today. And I got to vote. I love playing with these guys. It’s usually competitive, but always a ton of fun. And I’m not just saying that because me and Tootin’ have a burgeoning best friendship in the works… or am I? (PR: 9)
(#8) Battletoads, Rough Riders (13-10).
Ask anyone who’s ever played this game, and they will tell you it might be the most difficult NES game of all time. I don’t know anyone who’s ever completed the game, but many have spent hours trying. It was pretty cool, it had a little of everything (combo moves, super fast vehicles, mutants…). Similarly, I think the Riders have a little of everything that could make them a top notch team, but trying to make a guess at what these guys will do each week… is frustrating as Heck (the bad place, not the annoying Crawdad, love you Griz). (PR: 6)
(#7) Duck Tales, RubberDucks (12-9).
Have you ever played this game? It’s like Mega Man… with ducks. It’s so great. It stars the least likely action hero ever, Scrooge McDuck… Everything about this game is awesome, but it was underappreciated (I think) during its time, a lot like our Ducks who are often overlooked. They’re surging now, I hope for their sake it continues! (PR: 11)
(#6) Ice Hockey, Chihuahuas (13-9).
So, the coolest part about this game was picking your team, right? Blades of Steel was a far better hockey game, but getting to select your roster from the three different player body types was… AWESOME. Anyways, I’m struggling with the joke, but basically Groot is the super tall skinny guy you could choose who always just got knocked on his a$$. Not that Groot gets knocked down a lot, but he is super tall and skinny. That’s probably only funny for the dudes old enough to remember the game… and probably not even then… (PR: 8)
(#5) Metroid, Americans (18-7).
Writing these articles usually involves some googling. In doing so, I found a description of this game which described it as “big and daunting.” That immediately reminded me of… having a conversation with Lulu. I haven't mentioned my friend Lulu much this season, mostly because I find the idea of dealing with him… daunting. Meh. (PR: 4)
(#4) The Legend of Zelda, Vibes (16-6).
I’ll start out by saying, I don’t get it. I don’t get the fascination with this game, I never have. And the many, many sequels… not for me. They’re confusing, unapproachable, they look a bit exhausting… but people love the games and consider them good, so who am I to argue. The Vibes… I don’t get them either. Have you tried talking to Epstein? Talk about exhausting. And I know they’re up to something… Vibes… I’m suspicious, but for some reason other folks seem to like having them around I guess… Oh, except for Huck Finn. Holla! (PR: 5)
(#3) Contra, Baby Cakes (19-3).
As a kid, it was always my dream that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone would collaborate and make a movie version of Contra. That would have made my life. I wouldn’t be here today if they had, I’d have died of happiness 30 years ago… Alas, they never made the movie, so I did one better and combined some ex-Reds and ex-Dodgers for my new “best collaboration ever.” And for the record, I can beat the game, no code and no continues. (PR: 2)
(#2) Super Mario Brothers 3, Crawdads (20-3).
Most of you are too young to remember the hype surrounding the release of this game. It was… unprecedented. Similarly, a team like the ‘Dads is unprecedented. Although these guys aren’t putting up the eye popping numbers they were earlier this season, they’re still on pace to break… probably all the records. I don’t think there’s ever been a team like this, and as a pitcher in this league, I hope we never see a team like this again. (PR: 3)
(#1) Tecmo Super Bowl, The Mets (25-1).
Best. Game. Ever. You can disagree with me, but you’d be wrong. I would go so far as to say this is the greatest sports game ever created. So, and I saying the 2021 Mets are the greatest wiffleball team ever assembled? No, don’t be silly. The Nationals (2012 to 2016) would own these guys… but when we talk about the best teams ever, I think these guys are in the conversation. (PR: 1)