By Nightmare –
Last weekend was Epstein’s ALS tournament. It was great and he raised a lot of money for a great cause and all, but one thing has been bothering me.
There were a lot of “crossover” teams. Seuss and Mippey (good for you by the way), Neutron and Cheerio, Twizzler and Kar (it counts), Sanchez and StacheFace (typo, but I like it)… and it occurred to me, why doesn’t anyone ever want to do a crossover with Nightmare? Like literally, never (that I can remember right now) has anyone been like, “hey, wanna do fun wiffleball stuff together?”
Yeah, I know, I played with Neut, but that doesn’t count because we are former teammates… no non-former teammates have ever wanted to crossover with Nightmare. Why?
Am I intimidating other players? Am I too talented? Is my son too adorable to play with (side note, my son was asked to join Face and others at Factor Field, I was not, so even he gets to do crossovers)? Do I come off as stand offish? Have I somehow offended every other wiffler? Okay… four years of power rankings, that actually could be the reason…
Anyways, just this morning, it occurred to me: I’m too damn much fun! That has to be it! Everyone is taking these tournaments WAY too seriously and they don’t want me there as a distraction, having all kinds of fun and doing all kinds of fun things. “Stop it, Nightmare!” You’d have to say, repeatedly. Cause I’d be all like, fun and stuff. You guys, seriously, take it easy, it’s just a game. It’s okay to have some fun when you wiffle.
And that reminds me, Nightmare for Fun Star 2022!!
Time for jokes…
23. Aces (12-0). Jagr’s older child was giving me grief for writing so little about the Aces in the rankings. He complained he had to read all the way to the end of the rankings just to find “nothing” there. I tried to explain to him that no one cares about the teams ranked in the top few spots, and therefore I don’t care to write much about them. Something told me though, that my explanation might not be enough. So, this week I’m ranking the Aces last, so Keeks Sr. (Big Keeks?) doesn’t have to read through 21 other teams to find out I have nothing to say about his team. Took a couple from the Vibes/Yankees last week, take on the Nuts and Braves this week.
22. Trash Pandas (1-9). Pandas did their best Lugnut impression last week and gave up 40 total runs to the Ponies/Puppies… they give up a bomb every inning (46 HRs in 45 IP). I’m trying really hard to find something positive to say… oh, I got it, I’m positive they take on the Ducks and Blue Wahoos this week.
21. Lugnuts (1-11). I’m disappointed. I play Franklin for the first, and only, time this week and the only message I got from him predicted trash talk, Hamm’s, and bat tosses. I mean… why not predict there will be wiffleballs and a board to throw at?? Jeez, has Franklin lost his gift of gab? Is he no longer the king of trash talk? Franklin, you had ONE JOB… Lame. The Nuts dropped (hahaha) a couple to the sOx/Americans last week, have the Hoppers and Aces this week.
20. Bears (2-8). Alright Truck, where’s the fountain of youth? I know you found it, and I want in. The man is having a great year, and I’m here for it. Whatever the secret is, please let me know. Lost to the Puppies, beat the Ponies, have the Wahoos/Ducks this week.
19. Twins (2-11). Today I took my morning walk with K-Mart, it was great. I learned all about his time in the HRL and even where he got his nickname. Afterwards, I have to say, I’m an even bigger fan. That being said, 2-11? You’re breaking my heart. You’re better than this. Be better. Twins dropped two to the Americans last week, take on the Yankees/Vibes this week. (For the record, K-Mart made a guest appearance on Stache and SanChez’s podcast and I was listening, not actually walking with K-Mart… although I’d like that too!).
18. Blue Wahoos (3-10½). As predicted, the Young Fish swept the Marlins/Riders last week. I think there is genuine talent here… but this roster is a mess. I don’t envy the manager, whomever that is, who should cut this team down to the 5-6 guys who’ll show up every/most week. And then I don’t envy the teams that play them, cause if these guys showed up consistently, they could be a handful to deal with. The one fish, two fish, young fish, blue fish look to continue their winning this week against the Bears/Pandas.
17. Hops (4-6). Tootin. Tootin. Toot toot. I got nothing. These guys still do the bird seed thing? No? Was that a Kards only thing? How about the gold chain? My goodness, I shared a city with these guys for the better part of a decade and I don’t have anything to say about them… my bad. Maybe if Eagan did more pregaming I’d know anything about these guys… Kard/Hop/Manatees swept the Millers/Mariners last week, have the sOx/Americans this week.
16. Millers (3-9). It’s getting late, and I don’t have anything new to say about the Millers, so here’s a list of things I came up with when a I free associated “Miller.” Miller time. Barney Miller. Reggie Miller. Miller Lite. Frank Miller. Ezra Miller. Percy Miller (aka Master P). That is all. Bliss Jr. needs run support… more like Nightmare needs brain support! Am I right…? [sigh.] The Barney Millers (probably my favorite Miller on the list) dropped a couple to the Hops/Cakes last week and take on the OG Fish/Riders this week.
15. Marlins (6-8). The Old Fish haven’t won a game since Shipwreck hit the IR. Am I blaming him and his absence for the Marlins now having a losing record? Yes. I am. Why? Because he stopped reading these so I know he won’t know I said it! Old Fish sunk a couple to the New Fish (Wahoos)/Ducks last week, host the Millers/Mariners this week.
14. Blue Sox (4-11). Vlade and TwoBat, I smoked a delicious rack of ribs last night, they turned out almost perfect… almost. Used the 3-2-1 method. I spritzed with apple juice every half hour on the dot. I just wanted you two to know that. Is there a BBQ place anywhere near Hopkins? I feel like I’d really enjoy BBQ with you guys. And beer. Anyways… wiffleball… I dunno, they cracked the Nuts and lost to the Braves last week. They take on the Hops/Cakes this week.
13. Rough Riders (5-7). I made the mistake of thinking Dumpy Jr. was the quieter, more pleasant of Jagr’s offspring. I was wrong. He is just like his brother. I guess if being like his brother carries over to wiffleball, it’s great news for the Riders. Not so much for everyone else in the league though… Jagr, Jagr Jr Jr, and the rest of the Riders beat the Ducks, lost to the Wahoos, and I don’t know what happened Sunday. They take on the Mariners/Millers this week.
12. Yankees (7-5). You know what I didn’t know I missed about Eagan? A Yankee Huddle. It wasn’t until last week I remembered those. Maybe one day I’m a Yankee, JUST to hear what motivational wisdom Rocket offers his teams in there. I’m sure it’s great. All I get now is Griz telling me, “Don’t suck” before an at bat… I bet Rocket is way more supportive… Yankees, although motivated by a true legend, dropped two to the Hoppers/Aces last week and take on the Twins/Mets this week.
11. Chihuahuas (7-3). Get your stats in! Also, AJizz thanks for running fantasy wiffleball… which I guess is the only reason I really care about the stats… so… do those cancel each other out? Probably. Puppies were good boys and won a couple (Bears/Pandas) last week, and I don’t know what happened in the Games of the Week. JK, they lost two. Or won two? (Of 3) Dang, now I forgot and I’m too lazy to recheck the Twitters.
10. Mariners (7-7). Over the past few weeks, the Seamen have downed the Americans, Ducks, Ponies, and Baby Cakes. Color me intrigued… I’ll admit I’m a little surprised. But happy surprised. I’ve been saying for a couple years that these guys put in work and should be better than their record has been. Good to see things are finally coming up Seamen! Ew. They lost to the Hops, but beat the Cakes, and take on the Riders/Marlins this week.
9. Rumble Ponies (6-6). I don’t know if I like the Ponies right now, or not. I started B-Squared in fantasy last week and I don’t know how he did because the stats aren’t in yet. WTF? The Ponies beat the Pandas, lost to the Bears, and who knows what happened against the Puppies….
8. Rubberducks (6-6). I don’t remember what I said exactly last week, but Face got all up in my face about whatever joke I made about the Ducks last week. For the record, the intent of these rankings is typically not to offend anyone or make them upset… but in this case I’ll make an exception. Whatever I said last week, I DOUBLE DOWN THIS WEEK. In your face, Face. Lost to the Riders, beat the Marlins, have the Pandas/Bears on tap this week.
7. Americans (6-6). Hey Knooty Booty. What’s going on man? Are those long commutes from Woodbury to Hopkins taking a little out of you? It’s hard, I know. If you ever wanna take some cuts at lunch or something, or just chat on the drive over, hit me up. Your team needs you. The league needs you. I need you. Americans lost to the Braves, beat the Nuts, have the Cakes/Hops this week.
6. Braves (13-1). A dozen wins in a row. That’s good, right? 50 team bombas and a .401 team average. Leading the league in runs, hits, and walks (boo! Just kidding, I don’t care about walks). That’s a lot of good things. So, where’s the “but?” There isn’t one, all good things. Braves continued their winning streak against the Americans/sOx last week, have the Aces/Hoppers this week. (PS – almost forgot to move these guys back up in the ranks, my boy’s team won last night, so the Braves name is no longer toxic… I mean, as far as winning ball games is concerned… as for as it’s political correctness… ew.)
5. Baby Cakes (9-3). I had a snarky thing to say, but I love the Cakes too much to be snarky. But if you’re wondering, it was a joke about not scoring runs. Cause you know, they didn’t score runs last week. Okay fine, I’ll tell you. Basically, it was a joke about Seuss being the new pitcher who needs run support. See? Not that funny. And for sure if I had found the right way to word it, I’d have led off with that bomb (a lot like Smallpox usually does, boom!). Cakes beat the Millers, lost to the Mariners, play the Americans/sOx this week.
4. Mets (7½ -2). What’s a Dox? And a Char Jr.? Hmm… I dunno. I don’t know… Off last week, take on the Vibes/Yankees this week.
3. Vibes (7-3). The Vibes almost beat the Aces and the Hoppers last week. Almost. Now, I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the Aces game, you know, because it didn’t involve me. But I did pay some attention during the Hoppers game… and they’re good. I’ll admit it, they beat me. Thank goodness my teammates are better than me at hitting wiffleballs and saved my a$$. Not bold prediction: Vibes make the World Series… Vibes take on the Mets/Twins this week.
2. Grasshoppers (14-0). Picture this: it’s July 9, 2020. You’re sitting at your desk, or on the bus, or on the crapper, or wherever you read these, and you read me write, “Ha ha. Griz. He’s my favorite future least favorite teammate…” And you know what, I was right. I know why you read these now, I can see the future! Anyways, I think the Hoppers fell behind in a game for the first time all season last week… Twice! They may be human. After barely taking a couple from Eagan last week (Vibes/Yankees), the Hoppers hope to do it again this week (Nuts/Bravados).