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HRL Power Rankings – Week 10

By Nightmare –

Good lawd!  Last week was crazy, right?  Even I didn’t see that one coming.  It was non-stop.  The hits just kept on coming.  Unbelievable.  I’m still recovering.  I may never recover.

22 toys.  Over 2800 words.  That intro piece?  Dang,  I really outdid myself last week with those rankings.  Holy crap, sometimes I even impress myself.

Anyways, after all that, there wasn’t a lot of energy left.  I’m old, the recovery period isn’t what it used to be.  [haha]  Ranking all those teams and toys?  Fun, but exhausting.  Opening up and sharing my soul like that, getting all introspective… emotionally draining, but worth it.

As such, this week was tougher than… well, playing the Aces last week.  There was not much left, creatively for week 10, and for that I truly feel bad, because so many people have been like, “OMG Nightmare, you’re such a great writer and your rankings make my week.  You’re so awesome.  We love you and don’t care how awful you pitched, we just want to read your rankings.”  And I’m like, I know, but I’m only human… so, here are some really human level “jokes.”

(#22) Grasshoppers (16-2).  Whammy.

(#21) Trash Pandas (1-15).  Hey!  They got another player to show up… and threw them on the mound in his first game?  Man, Pandas are mean… I assume they lost their four games from last week… but stats aren’t in yet.  They take on the Mets/Twins this week.  [I may have heard some games got cancelled?]

(#20) Lugnuts (1-15).  Last week, after getting Lugnutted by the Aces, Franklin reached out to check on me.  It was a very kind gesture.  So kind in fact, I almost wasn’t going to bring up my proposal that the “10-run” rule be changed to the “Lugnut” rule.  Almost.  Lugnuts dropped a couple to the Riders last week, have the Mariners/Millers this week.

(#19) Marlins (8-10).  Shipwreck must have been avoiding me over the long Juneteenth weekend, so we didn’t have our usual street beers and I didn’t get my usual inside info on the Old Fish.  As such, I have no insight, so let’s just sit in silence for a second and think about how Shippy let us all down… [pause for awkward silence.]  The Marlins got right against the Pandas and ended their 8-game losing streak, got the Puppies and Ponies up next.

(#18) Twins (3-14).  So… I guess Nelson isn’t going to be a thing again this year… that’s too bad.  That was a fun run.  Speaking of running, K-Mart… is doing something, I don’t’ know, I was just excited to use “speaking of running,” I thought that was clever…  Dropped two to the Ponies last week, got the Bears and Pandas next week.

(#17) Bears (2-12).  After getting absolutely lugnutted last week, I drank a lot more than a Half Pint and I DEEcided I needed to do something.  So, I asked the wife, “Can I put a Bearpen in the back yard?”  “Absolutely not!”  She said.  I was sad for a bit, then realized she thought I meant a pen, for actual bears.  Haha, sully wife.  So, I sKrubbed that idea and I explained who the Bears were, who Truck was, and that he put a bullpen in his yard and he named it the “Bearpen,” cause he’s clever.  Furthermore, I explained, like a professor, that I needed a Bearpen so I don’t get Cannablasted every ruby Tuesday like I did against the Aces… phew… okay, that took forever and there is just a honeypot full of more bears I didn’t mention.  I’m sorry, I meant to get all of them in, especially Panther, Lil Diesel, Jay Mac, and Ducksauce… does that count?  Yes??  Nailed it!  Bears dropped a couple to the Vibes last week and host the Mets and Twins this week.

(#16) Hops (6-11).  Is Tootin’ okay?  I didn’t hear a peep from him last week and I’m worried.  Did you lose my number?  Has (almost) married life made you… nicer?  I’m worried friend, please reach out and let me know you’re okay.  I’ll be here worrying about you until I get an abusive text from you.  Okay, bye.  Hops split with the Beanie Baby Cakes last week, travel to Valley to take on the Ducks and Wahoos this week.

(#15) Blue Wahoos (5-12½).  There’s just too many dudes (I’m assuming) on this team and I don’t know who is who.  I am doing some very lazy research (the only kind I do), and it seems this team is far too confusing for me to figure out.  So, I’m’a move on to the next one (like Jay Z!).  Blue Wahoos dropped two to the Duckies last week, got the Cakes and Hops up next.

(#14) Blue Sox (4-15).  Is it wrong that when I think of the Blue sOx, I think of wonderful meat?  TwoBat, meat.   Vlade, meat.  PorkBot, meat.  Whoever else is on the team: Oh, they play with TwoBat, Vlade, and Pork Bot?  Meat.  No, I’m not talking about the dong belt.  Am I?  No, I’m thinking about delicious, preferably smoked, barbeque.  And my mouth is watering just thinking about the sOx and their meat… wait, what the F just happened?  The Meat sOx got swept by the Millers last week, have the reeling Hoppers this week.

(#13) Millers (7-9).  I want to predict that the Millers go on a run and win the Division… but my track record for predictions is… pretty horrible, and I don’t want to jinx Stache’s second favorite team… so I won’t predict it… but I will mention it, and be very vague as to how confident I am in it actually occurring… Extended their winning streak to four games against the Blue sOx last week, take on the Braves and Lugnuts this week.

(#12) RoughRiders (10-8).  I promised myself I’d never commit when it came to the Riders, but I think I’m going to do it.  The Riders… are going to be competitive.  I am pro-RoughRider and I don’t care who knows it!  They’re going to win about a dozen more games and while they may not win the division, they’ll keep it interesting.  Also, congrats on throwing the no-no, H8R…?  Swept the Hoover-less Lugnuts last week and take on the Pandas this week.

(#11) Yankees (9-7).  What did you guys do to Scrabble?  He better be okay you guys.  Do you still have the purple jerseys?  Is Rocky going to get to HR #200 soon, or what?  And did T-Mac really retire?  And then unretire hours later?  I have so many questions.  We need to catch up guys.  After a bye week, the Crank Yankers take on the Bears this week.

(#10) Mariners (8-10).  Obviously, this week’s rankings were a struggle to write.  I blew a month’s worth of “creativity” on last week’s rankings, so this week… I’m scraping the bottom of the creative bucket… Anyways, know what happened to me last weekend?  I got sunburned.  So, I wanted to take a second and put a PSA out there: anyone can get sunburned.  Anyone.  Wear sunscreen.  My favorite Seaman, you know who you are, I’m talking to you.  We’re not immune to the sun.  Anyways, the Seamen were sunk (swept) by the Mets last week, hope to right the ship (see what I did there?) against the Nutters and the Braves this week.

(#9) Chihuahuas (9-6).  A-Jizz is my new favorite Chihuahua.  That may not come as a shock, but then you’re forgetting last year’s rankings, where I repeatedly said he was my least favorite Chihuahua.  Things done changed.  He and I had a nice little chat last night.  We got to know each other a little better.  We shared some private thoughts.  It was nice.  I think we are going on a date next week.  Anyways, Groot, you’re dead to me.  Our teams played next to each other last week and you never even said hello.  I am Groot.  Translation: Groot hates Nightmare.  Puppies split with the Americans last week and host the Marlins and RoughRiders this week.

[Groot: I know you weren’t at the game last week, calm down.  I still like you.  A lot.]

(#8) Rumble Ponies (10-9).  I haven’t seen the Ponies in awhile.  They appear to be winning more often than not.  This pleases me.  I have nothing else to say about these fellas.  Other than, I miss you.  Stay gold Pony boys.  Stay gold.  The Outsiders?  Anyone?  The Ponyboys were swept by the Aces at the Bowl, take on the Riders and Old Fish this week.

(#7) Americans (8-8).  Holy pNut!  I forget if I’ve mentioned him or not this season, but he’s have quite the year.  I thought maybe he’d take some time to adjust to better pitching in Hopkins, but the guy just picked up where he left off last year.  I’d like to think it was all the tutelage I gave him during the MNWA season… so I will.  Americanos split with the Puppies last week, take on the Aces this week.

(#6) Rubberducks (10-6).  I don’t usually respond to Tweets, but Hopkins is not the greatest city in Minnesota, and it isn’t even close.  Greatest wiffle city?  Fine, make your case, but greatest city (without qualifiers?), come on.  Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how good Old Yeller is lookin’ these days.  Why would you mention that Nightmare?  Because now I know Yeller reads these, and I want… need him to know, I’m still thinkin’ bout you buddy!  [I’m in a weird place today.]  The Rubberducks five game winning streak continued versus the Wahoos last week, can they keep it up against the Hops/Cakes this week?

(#5) BabyCakes (12-4).  Seuss will strike out batter 2100 this week, that’s a thing I learned.  I missed his 900th hit and 700th RBI (sorry).  I don’t have a lot more to add.  I wish I cared enough to track some of these milestones and I could mention them every week… that would… take up some space.  [cut to Vlade saying, “You could just not write this nonsense.”]  Beanie Baby Cakes split with the Hops last week, visit the Wahoos and the Duckies this week.

(#4) Braves (14-4).  First and foremost, how’s Scrabble?  Is he okay?  Secondly, he’s going to be okay, right?  The Bravados took a week off to let Scrabble recuperate, they host the Millers/Mariners this week.

(#3) Vibes (12-5).  Dear The Wish: Only Murders in the Building season 2 drops next weekend.  Are you as excited as I am?  I can’t wait to talk to you about it.  Also, my kid has found the stash of Julius Pepperwood Detective Agency t-shirts I had leftover from Wifftoberfest and started wearing them.  They remind me of you.  And Stache, who refused to wear the damn shirt I made him.  He’s such a jerk, right?  Anyways, have a great time in Eagan this week.  Say hey to Huck and Fishhook for me.  I miss you, bye.  The Wish (and I guess the rest of the Vibes) swept the Bears last week, take on the Ducks and Wahoos this week.  I hope he does really well.

(#2) Mets (11½ -2).  Mets keep doing Mets things (winning).  I still think (not predict) if they lose again, it won’t be until August.  Swept the Mariners last week and visit the Zoo (Pandas/Bears) this week.

(#1) Aces (18-0).  If any non-Ace cares, let me know.

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