posted on July 22, 2004 17:50
I'm not gunna lie to ya…I'm a terrible athlete. I run like a 6.5-40, and can barely bench half my weight. All of my skills hit a plateau somewhere around the time I turned 14. Still, I'll play any sport from tackle football to table tennis, at the drop of a hat. I'm just that accommodating for fun's sake.
So in honor of all those other life-loving-crappy-gamer dudes out there…here's a list of my favorites to make this year's Fun-Stars.
Expos: Mitch Goeke (Catcher) & Craig Olson (SP)
These two characters are a riot. I'm convinced that Mitch is undercover CIA, sent to put the nix on the X. I swear, this guy is every opponent's best friend, and claims sole responsibility for heckling the hell out of his teammates, of which, Craig enjoys the blunt of. Olson can be on the mound, trying to work out of a bases loaded, 2-out jam in the 6th, and you'll see Mitch sidle in behind the plate and flash a shocker. Then, after Craig inevitably walks in the losing run (as he snorts beer out his nostrils), Mitch will joke about tea-bagging Craig's mom the night before and how he's the lamest pitcher on earth. Brutal…but even more fun than watching one of your high school buddies bare-butt fart on his sister.
Philly-blunts: Kelly Pieklo (LF)
A no-brainer here, as Peeks n' Wiffle were meant for each other. He's one silly sondabitch that I sure as hell wouldn't mind seeing cloned. If every team had 2 or 3 Peeks, we'd be a lot better off. His MB posts are only outdone by his lazy-eye batting stance and sweet ass gloveless play in the field. I think this kid laughs about 68% of the time he's playing…which is impressive, cause the other half of the time, he's drinking some beers. A true phenom.
All work and no Peeks makes Peeks a Peeksy Peeks!
Braves: Nick Consoer (RF/SP)
Nick gets the nod mostly for his off-the-field demeanor (cause we all know he's a certified nazi at the rink). Since he's unemployed, you know this cat is no cubical-caged company man. He's a free spirited, movie quoting, internet chat room junkie, with one mean 12-6 curveball. An unheralded artist, this kid's avatars make Rembrandt's work look like lama drool. Plus, we all know he's pretty enough to date, and with an alter ego like "Dirty Sanchez", he's a shoe-in for the Funsters.
Brewers: Jim West (Closer / Statistician)
Personally, I don't think West is all that fun. However, he insists that he is, and has his fellow NL stars' endorsement…So he makes the team thanks to moxie and propaganda.
Alternate: Chops (Braves) Everyone's worst enemy on the field, at least he's cool AFTER he kicks the living sh*t out of you and makes you lick it up.
And now! Your American League Fun-Stars!!!!
OK…Seriously…everyone hates the AL. These guys are all too damn good to actually be any fun to play against (except for maybe the Twins…and they're still too damn good!).
But since a wiffle game with only one team is even more lame…I've scrounged up at least one guy from each club that might have some potential.
A's: Jamie Baskerville (OF/Enforcer)
911 appears to be a "pee-your-pants" kind of scary guy…so I know what you're thinking, "Sounds pretty fun!", right? Wrong. Unfortunately, once you talk to him, he's really quite mild-mannered…which sucks because we all know that random violence is funny. I've included him, convinced that he can turn around his season, and become the badass we all know he can be. After all, seeing him run out to right field, with a hockey mask on, and choking the piss out of Nick for no apparent reason, would make the Fun-Star game just that much more enjoyable.
Twins: "The Spawning" (Yup..he's a Demigod)
Alright, so this dude isn't a real person…YET! But what makes these guys so fun? Individually, you wouldn't recognize any of them from Joe-Schmoe on the street…but together? Ahhh NELLY! "Party time with the Twins, baby!!" So I say we do some genetic engineering and spit out one hellatuff-ultra-star, combining all of these guys' attributes into one. Just imagine, part Chewbacca, part Mr. Bean?? He'll come strutting out of the womb (read "test tube") 8' tall with his visor on, drinking a beer, and lighting up a heater. HOLY sh*t, is this guy gunna rule!!!
Yankees: Scott's dog, Wondermutt (OF/Closer)
Why can't the rest of the Yankees be this sweet?
Dogs are cool, and this dog is no exception. Plus, leaving a water-dish around for Sanchez to trip over is physical comedy at its best…and pure genius.
Royals: Mike Patterson (Mascot)
Ya got me. It's not so much that he's fun…but that he's fun to pick on.
Alternate: Larry Storey (A's). I have a feeling there's a wild and crazy guy just waiting inside the big Cheezy. Unfortunately, as long as he stays on the A's, it'll continue to be suppressed harder than a fart at your in-laws' Christmas dinner.
There you have it, some of the most rulenest guys in the game. So, next time you see one of these dudes, be sure to buy them a beer…cause without them, watching HRL:TC games would be more boring than picking lint from your grandma's belly button.
Oh yeah…Prediction for this hypothetical super-sweet match-up?
NL: 10 AL: 4 (9 innings)
(Guess even the coolest dogs can't pitch.)
Joe Lawrence is an HRL:TC writer as well as a player for the Brewers. Comments or questions can be addressed to Joe at the Message Board.